Hello, Hells Angels. I know it must be a surprise to see me up here—after all, most of you know me as Demon’s Claw, your New Initiate. But in reality, my name is Chet, and I’m a McKinsey Associate. Your president hired me last month to conduct a full review of the club and identify strategies for modernizing it, so I went undercover. I imagine some of you questioned why the new guy who couldn’t shoot a gun—or even ride a motorcycle—was trying to join Hells Angels, but I hope I won you over with my deep knowledge of the history of this organization and a seemingly endless supply of vulgar T-shirts.

Over the last month, I have been taking detailed notes and conducting multiple interviews. Those nights when you hoisted me up to the clubhouse roof by my underpants were particularly useful, providing a novel birds-eye view of the organization. And I am now ready to implement my final set of deliverables that will set you up for the next 50 years as being the premiere motorcycle gang in the world.

As I see it, the key issue facing the Hells Angels has been attracting new recruits in the face of challenges like anti-motorcycle laws, targeting by the police, and global warming making it extra hot under your long, bushy beards. So tonight, I am proud to unveil five initiatives to execute a paradigm shift to make the Hells Angels more accessible to a broader population and achieve some organic growth. While the 1970s Hells Angel knocked over convenience stores, the modern Hells Angel will disrupt brick-and-mortar commerce. The 1970s Hells Angel loved to bash heads together, but the modern Hells Angel will achieve cranial synergy.

First, my analysis found that membership is dropping because too many people prioritize their personal safety. Potential members favor speed limits, sun block, and helmets over the traditional Hells Angel glorification of the open road, leathery skin, and visits to the ER. So I’ve signed you all up for an online certification program to gain expertise in special features of motorized transports that allow you to speed down the highway, but still slow down and even stop when you, say, encounter traffic or a toll booth. They’re called “brakes” and your first session, entitled “Get to Know Your Other Pedal: It Too Can Go To the Metal,” starts tomorrow night.

Second, I did some market research on the name “Hells Angels” with focus groups of two of the most intimidating types of people I could think of: former hockey players and senior citizens who just missed the early bird special. We spitballed alternative names including Motorcycle Meanies, Rainbow Warriors, and Montreal Canadiens, and since the trademark on that last one was not available, we settled on the classier but still terrifying “Hecks Angels.” Your new jackets are behind me.

Third, you need a great mascot. Disney World has Mickey Mouse, sugary red water has the Kool-Aid Man; you need something equally timeless, but still true to who you are: mean, violent criminals, who would knife someone for even looking at you the wrong way. So, Angie Angelfish will be making her debut! Don’t be fooled, under her cute colors and happy smile, she’s the sassiest fish in the sea! We’ve got Angie gloves, fishbowls, and stuffed animals for everyone.

Fourth, let’s talk about your media presence. Sending coded messages in newspaper personals may have worked in the pre-Internet era, but these days every respectable gang has at least a website. I recently finished a detail with the Crips and Bloods in Compton, and now they’re podcasting and battling each other on Words With Friends. So I’ve set it up so that you can start reserving binge drinking and bar fighting slots on your new website, MyHecksAngels.com. For extra privacy, we added two-factor authentication—after all, who would be better at clicking on pictures with bikes than you guys?

Fifth, all great organizations do community work, think about the NFL and the United Way or McDonald’s and the Ronald McDonald House. To start, next month will be ‘Hell-ping Angels’ month, and you all are going to volunteer at food banks, fundraise for Unicef, and plant trees. But most importantly, you’ve each been matched with a struggling high school geometry and trigonometry student to support our new signature charity: ‘Angels for Angles.’ I know what you’re thinking: ‘sine’ me up! We all know how you like to get out there and drive, but with your little sibs, now you will ‘Get Out There And Derive!’ I’ve put that slogan on a patch for your new jackets.

Now, by the looks on your faces, many of you find these new changes confusing and are thinking about assaulting me, although your real feelings may be obscured by all the tattoos. But what’s the alternative? It’s a new generation—California recently lowered the DWI limit to a blood alcohol content of just 0.75. 0.75!! But these are the times and the Hecks Angels must change with them. Yet we at McKinsey want you all to feel reassured that you are not moving away from the core principles of your organization.

Oh yeah, one more thing—your bikes are too loud, so I’ve replaced them with solar-powered electric golf carts thanks to our new corporate partnership with the PGA Tour. The best thing is that each cart comes with a personalized set of irons and a country club membership. C’mon guys, your tee times await. Just drop off your jackets and grab an Angie Angelfish polo shirt on the way out, because of the dress code. See ya on the links!

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Max Kesselheim is a student at The Roxbury Latin School in Boston, Massachusetts. He has previously written for The Hill.