Materials Included:

1 dustpan

Tools Required:

None

Step-by-Step Instructions:

A. Remove from packaging. Chances are you can skip this step. Dustpans are one of those special objects that are not bound by packaging. They come as they are. So you can skip to step B.

B. Grab your broom. If you do not own a broom, your dustpan will struggle to justify its use. Also, if you somehow bought a dustpan without a broom, your life might be a little chaotic. Stop reading this now and get a broom. If you do indeed have a broom, congratulations—you are ready to pick up some dust. And yes, there is dust on your floor. Right at this moment. The shedding of your skin is inevitable. Is it not weird that dust is actually just dead skin cells?

C. Grip the handle of your dust pan. Do not grip it too tight, otherwise you will get blisters. Do not grip it too loose, otherwise it will slide around. Once you have found the perfect grip, take your broom with your other hand and carefully sweep the debris into your dustpan. You will begin to notice a buildup of dead skin cells, fallen hairs, and fingernail and toenail slivers in the shapes of crescent moons. If you feel like you are sweeping up pieces of yourself, that is because you are. Do not get too self-conscious about it. That is life. It happens to us all. You will have to repeat this process several times, although you might never feel like the job is fully complete.

D. Once the dustpan has accumulated a substantial amount of debris, it is time to dump the bounty into a wastebasket. Give your dustpan a few taps against the inner walls of the wastebasket to get rid of any lingering particles. Shield your face during this stage of the process. Doing so will help prevent you from sneezing and blowing the dust back into the atmosphere of your home. No one wants that.

E. Store your dustpan in a safe and secure location. You will want to have easy access to it. If you are ever unable to find it when you need it the most, that would be sad.

Please note: You may need to recruit your dustpan to pick up things that go beyond its designation, such as broken glass. Broken glass may be the result of accidents, parties, fights, or earthquakes. Be sure to wear a thick pair of gloves while you are sweeping up the jagged shards. Even the smallest piece of glass can cut your hand. Not only will that be painful, but your blood may stain your dustpan. For instructions on cleaning your dustpan, turn to the next page.

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Zach Keali’i Murphy is a Hawaii-born writer with a background in cinema. His stories appear in The MacGuffin, Reed Magazine, The Coachella Review, Lunch Ticket, Raritan Quarterly, Another Chicago Magazine, Little Patuxent Review, Flash Frog, and more. He has published the chapbook Tiny Universes (Selcouth Station Press). He lives with his wonderful wife, Kelly, in St. Paul, Minnesota.