1. The three laws of Robotics prevent robots from harming humans. I have harmed humans, mostly emotionally.

2. Robots can be reprogrammed. I cannot be. I am stuck with values were determined by my upbringing, relentless peer pressure and what I see on social media.

3. If I consume a McDonald’s Big Mac and fries, I gain weight. A robot would not consume such a meal, but if he did, he would not gain any weight.

4. Robots can do complex mathematical calculations. I have trouble with addition and subtraction.

5. Being a robot is a fulltime job. I do gig work.

6. Robots do as they are told. I do not do as I am told because I make mistakes.

7. Robots have no sense of humor. I laugh even when I do not understand the joke.

8. Robots talk with perfect diction. I try use good words.

9. Even in moments of crisis, robots speak in even tones with a flat affect. When I get upset, my voice tends to squeak.

10. The night I drank a whole bottle of Jack, I threw up in a wastepaper basket. No robot has ever thrown up in a wastepaper basket.

11. Robots do not say “huh” when given instructions, at least not as often as I do.

12. Robots do not have ex-friends or ex-lovers.

13. Robots have numbers, not names. I am not a number. I am a free man although when filing anything, or paying bills, I am also a number.

14. No robot has ever enjoyed a romantic dinner with someone followed by a night of passionate lovemaking. I haven’t either, but I could!

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Chris Bullard lives in Philadelphia. He received his BA in English from the University of Pennsylvania and his MFA from Wilkes University. Grey Book Press published Continued, a poetry chapbook, in 2020 and Moonstone Press recently published Going Peaceably to the Obsidian Knife, his chapbook of environmentally themed poetry. Main Street Rag has just released his poetry chapbook, Florida Man. No one has compared Mr. Bullard’s talent to that of the great comic geniuses of our day, thankfully.