A comprehensive report released Tuesday by Yale University researchers states that men are much more sexually aroused by figuring out the best way to fit items inside of a car than they are when performing coitus with any partner.
According to the study, which analyzed the neurological patterns of men from every demographic background from all 50 states, men’s arousal from “Car Tetris,” as it is known scientifically, is so strong that even if a car is being packed up more than 120 feet away, a man’s precentral gyri will be activated, forcing him to walk toward to the car to assist in packing it up.
The study’s findings explain that while having sex releases oxytocin, which heightens arousal and excitement, the mental stimulation that a man feels while figuring out where an Urban Outfitters record player is going to fit amongst trash bags full of clothes steadily increases the activity of the same neurotransmitters that affect the brain while on ecstasy: serotonin, dopamine, and norepinephrine.
“In 100 percent of the cases we analyzed, the research unanimously states that men who are standing over you trying to help as you’re putting dishes in the dishwasher as well as men who take everything out of a car you’ve packed and feel an urge to rearrange it to their liking, are likely doing it because of the positive messages these actions send to the brain,” Yale neurologist James Singer said. “While we’re still trying to understand why this is a wholly male experience, we do know that there is no known combination of drugs and sex that pleases the male brain more.”
Additionally, the report confirmed that men who peek over your shoulder while you fill up the dishwasher are not just trying to explain to you the best way to do it, but are just hoping to do it themselves, as it satisfies an overactive hypothalamus response, Singer said.
“Our next puzzle is to understand why men over 50 feel so compelled to keep their tattered, old wallets even when their spouses insist on buying them new ones,” Singer added. “And so far, what we’ve learned is not surprising at all: they’re just lazy.”
————
Ruby Rosenthal is a writer and editor based in Chicago. A 2024 Hollins University MFA grad, she is currently a novelist’s assistant and freelances for the Chicago Review of Books and Newcity Magazine. She is currently at work on her first book, a collection of essays surrounding themes of identity.