Dear Rachel,

Thank you so much for agreeing to speak at our faculty workshop this Fall. Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues (well, almost all of them), we’re delighted to hear about your latest project and to read (or pretend to read) a draft. My assistant may—or may not—be in touch to help you make travel and lodging arrangements for your visit. If you have any difficulties there just let me know, although our staff is unionized and there’s nothing I can do to move things along without triggering the grievance process.

You asked whether, for our workshops, we had any presentation norms or whether it was just “the usual.” I’m glad you asked because we do, in fact, have some strict presentation norms:

First, if you could please e-mail my assistant a draft of your paper 10 days before your talk, that would be great. But exactly 10 days, please if possible. (Unions, right?) Let us know, too, if you want it printed, although it will have to be printed in landscape rather than portrait mode and must be book-staple bound. Long story.

Your talk is scheduled for an hour, which means you’re allowed only to either: (a) speak for 5 minutes and reserve 55 minutes of Q&A; or (b) speak for 55 minutes, with only 5 minutes of Q&A. Please let me know which one you want to do exactly 12 days before your workshop.

Your talk will begin with the sounding of a large gong we keep in the back of the room, but it’ll up to you to otherwise keep time. Previous presenters have done so using a pocketwatch, and it’s kind of become a norm this past year, but feel free to change things up if you need to, e.g., sundial, radioactive decay sensoring equipment, emotional support animal.

As for dress, it is expected that you’ll deliver your talk in full and accurate period costume—think Bridgerton, but more professional/less sexy—and only of odd numbered centuries (e.g., 17th, 19th), and in an accent that is both professorial but not offensive to any identifiable group, except the ones it’s still okay to pick on. You know which ones.

For the Q&A, the queue will be kept by the third faculty member to your left, unless they’re the ones asking the question, in which case it will move to the third faculty member down from them, and so on. Our faculty rules forbid you from making eye-contact with the queue keeper, so count accurately. You must address each faculty member as “Captain,” which the more you think about it, is a nice, gender-neutral term of respect and engagement. And hey—it saves you from having to remember anyone’s actual name!

You’ll also be directed to repeat any questions, verbatim but in pig Latin, so everyone understands what you’re responding to. None of your responses may use a word that contains the letter “Q.”

AV: Your talk will be broadcast over Zoom to the campus football stadium’s jumbotron but on mute. Because the football team will likely be practicing at the same time, it would be great if you could avoid hand gestures that could be misconstrued as referee signals. For example, you may want to “push back” on someone’s “thing they asked you” (not “question”—remember, no Qs!), but we don’t want to suggest pass interference. You may use slides, but given our technology, they must be in portrait rather than landscape orientation. (Text on slides may use the letter Q.)

When your talk is over, please proceed to give everyone a high-five (left hand) in reverse order of their questions during the Q&A period; we don’t want to offend anyone! And yes, you have to complete the high fives within the hour period; some of us have to teach immediately afterwards.

It’s also expected that rather than eating before or after your talk, you actively eat during your talk—but neatly.

It’s a lot to keep in mind of course, but everyone seems to get hang of it. And if you do have “things you want ask” my assistant, go for it, and we can formally start the grievance process.

Oh, last one: shoes are optional; no real preferences there.

Can’t wait to see you in the Fall!

—Captain

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Jacob S. Sherkow is a professor at the University of Illinois where he listens to a lot of faculty talks and sometimes is the queue keeper. He is also a Virgo. His favorite vegetable is broccoli rabe.