There comes a moment in every woman’s life journey when she reflects on her choices. Maybe it was the decision to attend the same college as her high school boyfriend. Maybe it was the decision to move next door to her in-laws. In your case, it’s the decision you made to wear a jumpsuit to your ex’s wedding.

And now, here you are, in a beige bathroom stall at the local Hyatt, facing the greatest challenge of your adult life: figuring out how to use the toilet while wearing a jumpsuit.

I get it: you thought it’d be cute. You thought, ‘This bright red jumpsuit will make me look sophisticated and successful and not at all like I was up all night rage-crying.’ You thought, ‘This is going to make me stand out from all the bridesmaids and other single ladies’. And you were right. Because none of those other women will need to get topless every time they take a whiz.

Thanks to your sartorial choices, you’re about to experience the peculiarly vulnerable sensation of feeling a breeze where no breeze should be. Plus, the very same plunging neckline you thought would catch the eye of your ex’s best friend also made wearing a bra impossible. Once you get your top off in the bathroom, the only thing standing between you and a public indecency charge will be the duct tape over your nipples.

And heaven forbid you accidentally rip the little straps off your jumpsuit while yanking them over your shoulders so you can pull your top down and relieve yourself! That would leave you with two choices: (1) leaving your tits in the wind for the rest of the night, or (2) trying to MacGyver a new top out of toilet paper and toilet seat covers. Neither option is likely to get you the revenge sex you’re looking for. Well, the first one might.

Even if you manage to get your top off without doing any damage, then there’s the maneuvering: the desperate contortions of a woman trying to keep the top half of her jumpsuit from flopping into the toilet and the bottom half from slithering down onto the disturbingly wet bathroom floor. It’s hard to hook up with the best man when your outfit is soaked in unidentified bathroom fluids because it slipped out of your hands while you were squatting on the can.

Remember: when it comes to jumpsuits, there is no ‘five-second rule.’

And of course, there’s also the aftermath. Should you just give up altogether on the idea that you’ll be able to hold your bunched-up jumpsuit with one hand while fumbling for toilet paper with the other? Maybe a good shake over the bowl is enough? Could you try holding the straps in your teeth?

…I see. You’ve decided to go all the way. And why not? Who says you have to be wearing anything when you’re on the toilet?

…Ahhhhhh, that’s the stuff….

Wow! Your bold strategy paid off! Now all you have to do is caaaaaarefully pull your jumpsuit back on, one leg at a ti—

Shit!! Shit!!!! The toilet’s motion sensor set off the flush before you were out of the splash zone!! Oh, grossgrossgross, it feels like it’s everywhere!!

…Oh well.

If it makes you feel any better, one of the bridesmaids is puking her guts out in the next stall, so you’ve still got a shot.

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A triathlete from Los Angeles who once interned at NASA, Mary Flannery somehow ended up in Switzerland, where she stares at the Matterhorn and thinks about climbing it. Her funny words have appeared in places like McSweeney’s, Points in Case, and The Daily Drunk. Her fancy words tend to appear most frequently in the Times Literary Supplement and in books gathering dust in a university library near you.