When you realise your day job isn’t fulfilling OR well paid

Pic label: WELL THIS IS AWKWARD

Pic: Two hot women arriving at a party in the same dress, looking at each other with those sideways-mouth faces, there’ll definitely be something like this out there

When your spouse is out of town and you realise the weekend with your young kids is easier

Pic label: YOU’RE ACTUALLY A HINDRANCE

Pic: like a dude or a chick dropping a baby on its head

When you realise it’s 6pm on a Sunday and you still haven’t done the food shopping for the week

Pic label: I’M GONNA FUCKING STARVE

Pic: that monkey from that Clint Eastwood film with his big hand over his face like he can’t believe it

When you just ran over your dog in your driveway

Pic: Snoopy with a tire print on his head and crosses for eyes, use Photoshop if necessary (also better leave a message for your niece that her dog is dead)

When you’re at your mom’s funeral and the priest guy talking while they lower the body into the ground is hot as shit

Pic label: I’M GONNA SUCK THIS GUY’S DICK IN A CEMETERY

Pic: see if like Joey from Friends went to a funeral in any of the Friends episodes, use if so, otherwise Tom Hardy or someone, there has to be someone hot in a black suit. Better still see if there’s a pic of somebody getting fellated in a cemetery, a hot somebody

When you get dumped by text message while you’re at your mom’s funeral

Pic: that one super-popular meme with the guy looking back at the girl and his girlfriend is all pissy about it, with “fucking stupid asshole fucker” written on the dude, “you” written on the gf, and “someone much better” written on the other girl

When you shit blood out of your ass after eating a totally normal meal

Pic label: DOH

Pic: Homer Simpson sustaining an injury, anal if possible

(also call the doctor)

When you throw yourself into your refuge, writing, to block out all the pain of your life, and you see some shitty writer you vaguely know has scored an agent on the strength of a book that sounds so unimaginably boring you would rather gouge out your eyes than read it

Pic label: I HATE LIFE. FUCK LIFE. FUCK GOD. IF HE/SHE EVEN EXISTS

Pic: Some teen sensation rolling her eyes, like somebody out of Mean Girls or something

Me r/n

Pic: like some mush, just mush, in a swimming pool or pond or something. That shitty, green algae stuff. Worthless fucking mush

When you realise that you’ll likely never make a living from creative media, and you’ve basically missed your opportunity to start a worthwhile or well-paid career in a different field

You know what, no pic, no meme. In fact don’t make any of these memes, what’s the fucking point? I don’t get paid for it. I don’t get respect. Fuck it.

(See if Pizza Hut is hiring drivers.)

When your favourite sports team wins something and you feel OK about things again, even though logically this is the stupidest fucking thing imaginable and your life is still majorly fucked

Pic: photo in team cap, thumbs up, eyes red and puffy, a big, big smile. Never let on how bad it is, never ever.

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Simon Pinkerton is still clinging on to dreams of being an international superstar novelist like an increasingly-balding barnacle or limpet or whatnot. You know, one of those things on the side of a boat? Pfft. You don’t know. He writes humor and fiction and has a website at www.simonpinkerton.dx.am and a Twitter @simonpinkerton