He grunted and wrapped his arm around her shoulders. “Winston Smith is a pussy. They could strap a cage of rats to my face and I wouldn’t give up my woman.”

“But rats were his biggest fear. What about bamboo shoots under the nails?” she asked. “Hot poker in the eye? You’d squeal like a girl and escort Big Brother to my door.”

“Nothing would break me.”

Things You Should Hate: You should hate the name Jen. You should hate that you’ve said it so many, many times. You will decide that her name looks ugly and foreign, like a Swedish abbreviation for January.

Girls You Should Have Sex With: You should have sex with the exact opposite of Jen. You should have sex with a girl who looks exactly like her. You are not going to have sex for what feels like a thousand Jens.

Governor Terrance is governor of our brave colony. He reminds us, “You better believe freedom is not free, because it isn’t. It is expensive as stuff.” The governor presses his index finger against the top of the lectern very hard, and he does it again and it becomes a kind of violent stabbing motion, which is not winning over the crowd necessarily.

In chimes Jeremy from nearby the stairs: “As shit, don’t you mean, Governor?” then, “As shit?” he repeats, and it’s clear Jeremy is fond of speaking that word. The governor regards Jeremy—who is after all only fifteen and prone to saying just whatever he feels, whenever it pleases him. Narrowing his Governor eyes to angry slits but nodding pensively, the Governor says, “Yes young man, yes Jeremy, it’s as expensive as how you put it. Thanks so much for that.” And the governor begins to clap gingerly, sarcastically, but no one in the crowd is amused by this, and so shortly after he started clapping the governor stops.

There was a pivotal point in my life where I realized that not all compliments were sincere, and often were people just shining sunlight up my ass for the social convention of “just being nice.” My mom would be the first to unintentionally reveal this. She was a very nurturing person, who consistently took me

[continue reading…]

If Ben has one flaw, it’s that he’s always eating stuff Winslow gives to him. You would think that after living with the guy for as long as he has, he would have learned his lesson. But no, here he is once again, tasting something he really shouldn’t be tasting.