Defenestration

“A Dozen First Date Turnoffs Or Turn-Ons for Emotionally Fragile Academic Douche-Bags, Dipshits, and Other Neurotic Types Who Would Like to Not Eat Dinner Alone for Once,” by Tom Johns

1. Don’t apologize for nervously vomiting on your date. This is to be expected, so a simple “pardon me” will do.

2. Don’t start a savage attack of any PBS or NPR show, one is bound to be a favorite of your date. Saying something like, “Dr. Who is stupid” will usually result in tears and possibly an at-table suicide attempt.

“How Timmy Rhineblatt Got His Name on the New Student Fun-Center” or “Why You Shouldn’t Use Used Flux Capacitators,” by Tom Johns

“Um, Professor Defrancesco, I don’t think the flux capacitator is on right?” “It’s fine son, it’s just fine, now go on with your symposium presentation!” “Um…OK…um, Professor Defrancesco, is it supposed to be that color? “That’s perfectly natural, son–” Ten minutes later, after Jenny Blotnick is rushed to the hospital with a flux capacitator lodged [...]