John Frank Weaver
“Excerpts from the 2009 Mid-Year Meeting of the National Association of Directors Who Ruin Childhood Memories,” by John Frank Weaver
George Lucas: Attention everyone. My name is George Lucas, and as president of the National Association of Directors Who Ruin Childhood Memories, I would like to welcome you to our 2009 Mid-Year meeting. As you know, our mission is to identify beloved childhood memories, distort them, and then force an unsuspecting public to watch them. [...]
“Excerpts from Stimulus Package Requests from Industries with Questionable Influence in the Federal Government,” by John Frank Weaver
Greeting Card Industry
We propose to add a new holiday to the traditional Gregorian calendar. Holidays inspire American consumers to purchase greeting cards, regardless of the nature of the holiday. People send Christmas cards, Valentine’s Day cards, Easter cards, Thanksgiving cards, and Halloween cards. Even minor holidays such as Arbor Day and International Talk Like a [...]
“A Letter Responding to Complaints About TiVo Suggestions”, by John Frank Weaver
Dear Mr. Markham,
Thank you for writing to TiVo, Inc. We are always delighted to hear from our subscribers, particularly when they offer us an opportunity to address concerns and improve TiVo service. Certainly, your letter qualifies. In it, you state that your TiVo is programmed to automatically record three programs every week: 24, WWE Raw, [...]
“Harry Potter Writes a Series of Strongly Worded Letters to His Neighbors That Indicate He Misses Fighting Dark Wizards,” by John Frank Weaver
Dear Mr. Smith,
I have asked you on numerous occasions to cut the branch on your tree that hangs over onto my property. These have been very reasonable requests and your refusal to comply is indicative of very Dark Magic at play. I believe you are under the control of a dark wizard who has cast [...]
“Upcoming Titles in Sylvester Stallone Movie Franchises,” by John Frank Weaver
Tango: Cashed Out
Sylvester Stallone stars in this sequel to the smash 1989 hit, Tango and Cash. Set almost twenty years after the original, Ray Tango (Stallone) and Gabe Cash (Kurt Russell) have risen as partners to the top of the L.A.P.D. However, a freak traffic accident crushes Cash’s mind, sending him on a violent rampage [...]
“Local Businesses that Missed the Point When Helping Needy Families,” by John Frank Weaver
Family 1: Single mom, age 35; 2 boys, ages 6 and 10. Mom would like a new sweatshirt. 6-year old likes stuffed animals and needs a new jacket. 10-year old likes Transformers and could use socks.
Local Business Sponsor: Wanda’s Brassiere and Lingerie Gallery. Mom received three dozen Infinity Edge Push-Up bras, Wanda’s most popular push-up, [...]
