Abridged Classics: Lorna Doone

If there is one thing I love in this world, one thing it’s impossible to ruin, it is a period piece that brings together a talented cast. It’s a chance to discover the next big thing; a chance to enjoy those who have been chosen to work together because they’re at the top of their [...]

Abridged Classics: Pathfinder

Everyone loves a good yarn about Vikings and inexplicably childlike Native Americans and eyeballs flying all over the place, right?
Remember that time Vikings almost wiped out all the Native Americans, except that other Viking was there to save them, even though he had been adopted by them and then outcast for no reason? Oh, Ye [...]

“Wedding Quest,” by Andrew Kaye, Eileen Lavelle, and Genevieve Valentine

The email went out with the header “URGENT QUEST,” and even though they all knew how “urgent” it probably was, Neil and Targ and Susan still showed up at 3:30pm on Saturday at Steve Vandemoor’s house, said hello to Mrs. Vandemoor, and went into the basement.
The basement was set up according to Mr. and Mrs. [...]

“Il Fantasma dell’Opera”: no, seriously.

Girl alert – I loved A Room with a View. It’s the lemon-frosted cupcake of film; what’s not to like? And of course I crushed out on George Emerson, just like any other girl who sat at home on Friday nights in high school clutching her life-size Jane Austen pillow and sighing over a guy [...]

Abridged Classics: “Becoming Jane”

Wherein I slog through two hours of retrofitted history so you don’t have to.

CAN YOU DIG IT?

So, sometimes people ask me “What do you like in a story?” or they ask me “What’s your favorite movie?” or they ask me “How did you get to be so disturbed?”
The answer to all of those is probably The Warriors.
With most of my favorite movies you can say, “That movie sort of sucks,” and [...]

Eileen and Andrew Play MASH while Genevieve Burns Harry Potter

M A S H
Profession

Garbage Inspector
Gynecologist
Sweatshop Manager
Performance Artist (homeless)
Sultan of Dubai’s Girlfriend

 
Hobby

Hooking
Taxidermy
Playing Bradley Headstone at Dickens World
Coupon Clipping Enthusiast
Staring at Andrew

 
Who You Will Marry

Bruce Willis circa 1989
Andrew
Ryan Reynolds
Chad the Ex-Boyfriend
Larry King

 
Children

A Swarm
Macaulay Culkin
A Toothbrush
Myriad of fluffy puppies

 
How You Will Die

Twinkie Accident
Run over by clown [...]

“Anne of Green Gables”: The Code

Recently, rereading Anne of Green Gables, I had to stop and ask myself why. The answer was, “Because it was the first thing I grabbed on my way to the subway,” but the general idea is that the book is a little weird.
Long the domain of spinsters-in-training, children’s literature enthusiasts, and hordes of preteen [...]

Abridged Classics: “The Tudors”

Like any costume geek, I’m watching The Tudors on Showtime. But, despite the costuming, there’s something a little…different about this Henry VIII.
And by “different”, I mean “flaming”.

“Eragon”: An Epic Mad Lib

Well, gentle readers, recently that _________, ________ fantasy movie Eragon was released. Rather than go see the film, I thought I would leave you with a clichéd fantasy movie summary with blanks you can fill in yourself. It’s what the filmmakers did, and I don’t know why I should put in more effort than they [...]