‘Well, someone’s sure as hell spooking the blue-beaked noddies’, Greg said.

We remained quiet, of course.

‘Gibbering wrecks, the lot of them. The island jungle is a fragile ecosystem. They only exist on this island because there aren’t any other predators. Rats . . Cats . . Humans . .’.

I was a human, and so was Liam. It was hard not to take this last remark personally.

And thence did God see fit to make the top step of the main monastery staircase a little wonky, and he saw that it was wonky, and in terms of health and safety legislation, it wasn’t very good.

‘Mother Superior, on her last visit, almost lost her step’, Brother Hilarious reminded the Head Monk. ‘Do you remember all of those curse words? Never heard anything like it’.

‘Ah yes. The blue nun’, Abbot Skerswell said.