Ingredients

– A Boa constrictor digesting an Elephant.

– Baobabs.

– Other assorted characters (see below).

The first thing that goes is your sense of time. Your internal clock. Your circadian rhythm. In the long term, disruption of the circadian rhythm can lead to serious health issues such as chronic fatigue, diabetes, obesity, and clinical depression. This is not our concern- I am at peak physical and mental fitness and my blood sugar is stable. I do almost wish I felt fatigued, chronically, even, as I am a nervous wreck, though I suppose those two things are not mutually exclusive.

Not all that long ago, I attended a professional development session at my school with the purpose of the training to address the following question: What to do in the event of an active shooter?

Nothing is remotely funny or humorous about active shooters and the reality that public schools need to train their employees for the potential of such an event.

However. There was something that I did in fact find humorous during the training.

If a gentleman places his hand on your knee under the table at a dinner party with the intention of signaling you to shut up, stab him immediately in the eye with a fork (salad fork, place fork, oyster fork or dessert fork are equally apropos).  Use sufficient force to penetrate the meniscus. If eyeball juice squirts onto your food, discreetly push your plate to the side and wave the server over to replace your tainted victuals. 

It’s okay, I’ve dated worse.

Yes, I know he’s fictional. Yes, I know that’s a flaw.