While the coronavirus pandemic has gripped the nation, a subtler, far more dangerous pandemic has silently infiltrated the minds and bodies of America’s men: Soy Boyism.

Schools implement a dizzying assortment of district-mandated procedures for teachers and students: No Child Left Behind, 21st Century initiatives, and The Common Core. The latest rollout: The Tomato Method. How’s it going? Let’s find out.

Nobody gets a cat on purpose, no one wakes up one morning and decides they want to take care of a small useless predator for a decade or more; cats just sort of happen to a person, we end up with them, like children or guns.

Old and creepy is the new modern minimalist. Fuelled by series like Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House, millennials have been leaving their city lofts in droves to find freedom and frights in the country.

[Cast thou eyes upon a shambling, wretched, pock-marked woman, cloaked in filth. Dark music doth bellow through the howling winds from a bladder pipe and frame drum.]