• My sleep number is 10. Milligrams of Ambien
• I graduated from the 14th grade, is how my parents put it
• To date, I’ve had only 2 ‘Aha’ moments but well over 2,000 instances of ‘Duh’

Level 1 – Luigi helps Mario move a broken futon into his new studio apartment. The fridge whines and the walls are decorated with angry fist holes. The landlord plomps by and lets Mario know there’s a problem with his deposit check. It’s a chicken parm cutlet. Mario readies a fireball in his hand. “Not now,” Luigi whispers.

Rotating propeller can cause serious injury or death, Carl. Never approach or use ladder when motor is running, or at least wear a sturdier pair of shoes if you’re going to, because that thing absolutely mutilated your favorite pair of Tevas (the ones you so proudly remind us survived your trip to Peru and the whole goat incident, which is, frankly, pretty unbelievable in the first place) and your actual foot was at very real risk.

I’ve always had a very laissez-faire attitude about germs. I feel like it is better to leave them alone than to make enemies of them. Nowadays, it sure seems like most people in our increasingly germaphobic society do not share my tolerance. It looks like biological warfare has been declared, and we are the aggressors.

Wait for the one sunny day per year in Seattle. The lawn also needs mowing, but the bike is more time-sensitive, because you must dry it thoroughly before it gets wet again.