“Chad Faustus Interviews Lucifer for the Community Manager Position,” by Daniel North Spooner

Apr 20th, 2015 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

Chad Faustus: Hey there! Thanks for coming in! Would you like any water or coffee or anything? Free trade organic! Our barista will make it any way you wish!

Lucifer: Teas richer than those of the ancient Five Emperors can fill your cup for all your days, and I can do greater things than these…

CF: Actually the thing is, tea orders tend to upset the barista. We do have some Keurig black tea and a killer chai?

L: Oh Faustus, stab thy arm courageously and bind thy soul that at some certain day Great Lucifer may claim it as his own — and then be thou as great as Lucifer!

CF: Haha! I’m the same way if I don’t get my caffeine! You do NOT wanna talk to me!

L: Hm. Water would be fine.

CF: Sure thing, here’s a bottle fresh from the fridge. OK let’s jump right in, shall we?

L: It has begun, wretch.

CF: Tell me a bit about your background? Says here on your résumé that your last position was, let me see…. Ah yes, “CHIEF LORD AND REGENT OF PERPETUAL NIGHT.” How ’bout you walk me through a typical day?

L: Your pitifully inadequate mortal tongue cannot articulate yet the plainest speck of Dis.

CF: Huh?

L: Right. Well, you might say it was… quite dark. Beyond dark. All about you an infinite, impregnable darkness roiling from every corner, binding to every atom of your being, just as a thick, reeking pitch would fill every crag and crevice on a corroded spike! Black—”blacker than a trillion midnights”—yet noisy and noisome just the same. Cold as hell, to…. You’ll see.

CF: Wow! Well don’t you sweat it, here at Zeeemlio there’s plenty of natural light in every part of our open-floor plan. And we take all our Social Ninjas’ comfort and workstation resources veeerrryyy seriously. For this position you’ll get a dual-monitor iMac setup—retinas!—with a convertible standing desk.

L: In hell is all manner of delight.

CF: Oh em gee, totally! You must’ve noticed our gorgeous etched mural made of reclaimed barn doors hanging over by the earthenware sun dial—“The Core of UX Design Is DELIGHT. Be the DELIGHT.”

L: But tell me, Faustus, shall I have thy soul—and will my minion Mephostophilis be thy slave and wait on thee and give thee more that thou hast wit to ask?

CF: Oh my God I loooove your enthusiasm! We say here that an enthusiastic Social Ninja is a game-changing Social Ninja! Probs THE key ingredient to winning here and tackling the social space in general. Tell me about some of your strengths?

L: I’ve been known to make a grand entrance. Exits too, truth be told….

CF: Courtney at the front desk can vouch for that! I mean, let’s just say that she’s not gonna live that one down! What would you say is a weakness of yours?

L: There is no mercy here if mercy is what you seek.

CF: Haha too funny! Classic The Karate Kid reference—millennials eat that stuff up! Tell me, where do you see yourself in five years? You mentioned on the phone something about—let’s see here—“enlarging your kingdom of souls”—I looooove that! Disruptive media is totally a new realm! And it takes real authenticity to break through the noise—it takes “soul,” for sure!

L: Solamen miseri socios habuisse doloris.

CF: Oooh, Spanish! That is fabulous, we are definitely looking to bolster our reach in growing Hispanic markets. So, what makes you passionate about Zeeemlio and the Community Manager role on our Social Ninja Squad in particular? Why’d you leave your last job?

L: Why, this is hell, nor am I out of it! Think’st thou that I who saw the face of God and tasted the eternal joys of heaven am not tormented with ten thousand hells in being deprived of everlasting bliss?

CF: Uh oh, somebody’s got a case of the Mondays!

L: Thou art damned.

CF: El oh els! Well I have to say, through each round you’ve impressed the whole team here. Today really was just a formality—you’re totes Zeeemlio Social Ninja material. We just need you to fill out some paperwork and we’re good! Can you start next week?

L: At midnight I will send for thee.

CF: Terrific! That’s the spirit! Oh and do you need parking validation?

L: Yes.


Defenestration-Generic Male 02Daniel North Spooner once rescued a snake, only to have it bite him on the hand. In other words, he lived out a parable about being a freelance writer. He currently lives in the sunny wastelands of L.A., where he pollutes the earth with marketing and occasionally blogs at alwaysotherwise.com. He has narrowly escaped death three times (the stupid snake doesn’t count) and looks forward to doing so again.

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