Over the last almost five decades, I’ve had to invest a great deal of time, effort and money into therapy: independent therapy, couple’s counseling, and even some new-fangled bullshit called “discernment” counseling. (We’re too nervous to try ketamine therapy.) It’s all due to the online trolling by ridiculously sensitive Gen Z kids who think I’m a heartless cheater looking for a raunchy, meaningless hook-up in the dunes on the cape. Well, I’m here to say that those kids don’t know WTF they’re talking about on TikTok.

Tonight’s top news story once again concerns Gamera, the giant flying turtle from those old Japanese movies. Although once humanity’s friend—saving civilization from the likes of Gaos, Mothra, and his frenemy Godzilla—Gamera now seems intent on destroying America.

Welcome to Al on the Arts. I’m Al Fridgett with your entertainment report.

We start with music and the new entry from death metal band Insouciant Demoralizer, Blood for Blood for Blood for Blood for Meat, released on Feline Leukemia Records. Playing their guitars completely out of tune, Farting Sam and Vomiting Tim create a palate of noise that rivals four jet engines red lining inside a nuclear reactor. Lyrically the songs form a pattern of blistering political takes on the current situation in Mongolia, ancestral home of singer and chief song writer Slobbering Jerry. The aggregate score from online music critics give Blood for Blood for Blood for Blood for Meat a score of 6 out of 100.

I like to play around on the piano, though I’m no pro. What I don’t enjoy is pausing to turn pages, or worse, spreading them out and propping them up in front of me. Pages fly every time the air conditioner kicks in. For some songs that’s fine, but who really wants to hear page six of Hey Jude?

Commitment is an act, not a word. Now, I want you two to demonstrate the love you share, right here in the office.