Roids, juice, gym candy, muscle crack, vitamin T, anabolic angel dust, the devil’s apple juice. Whether it be for crushing baseballs or crushing pussy, every guy thinks about taking steroids at least once in his life, and if you’re reading this it’s because you’ve hit that crossroads in your life.

Much in the way my hair never looks better than on the day I’m getting it cut, I was my best self on the way to a mental institution. My friend told me she thought I should go and I didn’t have anything else to do and wanted to kill myself so I decided to give it a whirl. I drove myself there with another friend who promised to take my car back to my house, but instead left it, along with my house keys, on the other side of town without telling me, and my phone died while I was locked up so I had to crowbar open a window to get in to charge my phone to figure out what the hell he had done and why. But that was later.

Thank you so much for your unsolicited parenting advice! I know you heard me say that I had no interest in hearing anyone’s advice unless I specifically asked for it. I am so glad that you decided that you were excluded from this comment and that I really really needed to hear how gross you think breastfeeding is and that you never did it for any of your kids, but they all turned out just fine. I know that all of my parenting decisions should mirror yours exactly.

I currently live in New York City, but as a young lad I grew up in the beautiful and verdant working class area of Southeast Portland. The side streets are lined with uniquely painted craftsman houses and feature lush yards full of vegetation. People raised families there in this relatively safe neighborhood, and the streets were often filled with children and pets running around. They still are.

I’m addicted to the Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. I’m not kidding. One weekend, I watched six of them in a row. That’s 12 hours, including commercials, if you’re doing the math. I’ve viewed sixteen overall, and their cheesy, predictable plotline is outstanding.