We’ve all been there. You get up early every day, hit the trail, try to maintain the right diet, pray to the owl god Moloch for stamina in your legs, but you can’t seem to run any farther or any faster than you did yesterday! This article has some helpful tips that are guaranteed to get you running up to twelve times further than you ever have before. You can get started today!!

Please accept this as the cover letter for my story, Exactly What Happened to Me “That” Day, and Why.  I hope you like it.  But more than anything, I especially hope you get this letter and that you answer it.  I can’t tell you how excited I am.  Though you wouldn’t know it, I have quite a history with you, and seeing your name (Is Bigfoot your name?  If not, what is your name?) and your picture on the Defenestration website was such a bolt out of the blue that, well, it just has to be a sign.

We appreciate your faith in SHR to give your story the careful reading it deserves. Thank you for considering us. Please believe that reading this kind of unsolicited submission is a task we do not take upon our cardigan-clad shoulders without full acknowledgment of the heft of our responsibility. There is not a waking moment in which we do not gratefully hitch our hearts to the wagons of editorial duty and whip the steeds of literary glorification into a lather of somber consideration.

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’: “The best red velvet cake? Can’t be the best, what about Little Debbie?”

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me a Little Debbie cake, as much as the next red-blooded southerner. But this recipe, passed down to me by my meemaw, Dorothy Birdie, is better than anything Little Debbie could bake. It’s sure to delight anyone come round for tea.

Feeling trapped? Angry at the world? Done with everyone’s bullshit? Then come on down to ScreamFest, where the only limits are your lung capacity!