“What To Expect From The Imminent Arrival Of The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse,” Max Kerwien

Nov 24th, 2021 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

The End is Nigh! Or, at least, on your Outlook calendar. Along with the demise of modern civilization comes The Four Horsewomen of the Apocalypse, sent here by God to reboot His divine judgement. Prepare yourselves to recognize the signs of their impending descent.

Stella, of the White Horse

She is the righteous rider. Her appearance represents the successful spread of Tarot card readings. With each Equinox she grows more and more powerful, able to open jars with her bare hands. Her celebrity divorce predictions are one hundred percent accurate. She had said such things as “I don’t need alcohol, I can get drunk off life” and “I’m not lactose intolerant, I think”. She is always cold. It is said that her phone storage is filled with only photos. Her astrological sign is Scorpio Crescent Moon Capricornus Rooster Downey Jr. Time Warner rising.

Claire, of the Red Horse

Well educated. Tall. Allergic to soy. Her coming signifies that NYU is on their winter break. If you ask her if she has read a specific book, she will say yes, even if she has no idea what book you’re talking about. Where she goes, War follows. She can play “X Gon Give It To Ya” on the violin. Her mother is a well-known painter and her father is a sailing instructor/hedge fund manager. Many have said her name before a conquest, hoping for her blessing. She studied abroad on the Moon.

Terry, of the Black Horse

Your aunt Terry.

Karen, of the Pale Horse

The end of all things. She reads your texts but does not reply. Her email signature ends in a quote from the Bible about forgiveness. Empires have fallen beneath her open toe sandaled feet. She is banned nationwide in any Supercuts. It is said that the last Roman emperor, as he died, saw her trying to remember her laptop password. She does not know how to pronounce Puerto Rico. She is doom eternal. She has become Death. She wants to speak to your manager.


Max Kerwien is a standup comedian, actor, and award-winning poet originally from Seattle, Washington. His silly and biting humor has won over audiences all around the world. In 2016 he won the Joan Grayston Poetry Prize. He is best known for his book, Poems to Ruin Dinner with, and the fact that he is legally no longer allowed to enter Alaska due to a misunderstanding at the border.

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