I never intended for this to be a two-parter–but my mind has been so affected by this, I may as well have witnessed a bloody crime scene. Only the blood has been replaced by creamy sandwich spread. Harkening back to my last column about how commercials have infected every nook and cranny of our live

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Through Windex streaks in her bedroom alcove, I spy boys on skateboards careening, screeching axels off the coping of the curb below the house; boys hurling themselves, inverted, with spaghetti-like arms, macaroni torsos, profanities ripping the autumn air like a flock of hawk-chased crows drunk on ornamental plumbs…

People warn you against looking into the barrel of a gun. But the same rule doesn’t apply to siege engines. Why the hell not?

Hello.

Like you, I was once an avid viewer of television and film, but due to the addition of small, loud, highly dependent mini-humans in my household, my viewing habits have changed these last few years. I may not see as much adult-oriented television these days, but I have become something of an expert in the often underappreciated field of children’s entertainment. The recent recall of Baby Einstein products prompted me to sing out in defense of an unrecognized classic in the video entertainment industry, that being Baby Einstein: World Animals.

Ben and Winslow have gone through seven neighbors already. They didn’t move away so much as disappear suddenly overnight.