From the beginning, it was clear that there were more than 15 items in her basket, more, even than 20. I know this because I obsessively counted them while I put my own items on the conveyer belt, which was difficult to do because she was hogging the whole thing with her canned tuna fish, her iceberg lettuce, and her generic spaghetti sauce. 

I know a lot of guys are growing quarantine beards right now, because why the heck not? I tried until my facial hair started driving me crazy, and I shaved it all off. I like to live my life in a constant state of rakish stubble, so the full beard just isn’t my thing.

Skin, I’m waterproof.  That’s a feature not emphasized enough when we extol the wonders of this 360-degree, wraparound envelope of living flesh that you exist inside. 

A house full of wonders, yet somehow, nothing to do.

Dear Neighborhood, 
We just wanted to let you know that the potentially erratic behavior of the neighborhood squirrels is completely unrelated to our having dumped a bag of coffee beans in our compost. It was a low quality brand presented to us from our in-laws, but, being the environmentally conscious people we are, we are composting instead of trashing them.