—Your safety is our top concern. It’s very important to us that you don’t freeze to death. So remember to not freeze to death.

Dear students,

In light of the recent severe drop in temperature, we here at the university are quite worried that you might freeze to death. We want to make sure that you don’t. And we are going to do that by telling you not to.

Stay indoors as much as possible. Don’t go outside unless absolutely necessary. Your Introduction to Leisure Studies course counts as absolutely necessary.

We hope that you wouldn’t die from the cold. We suggest that you don’t die from the cold. We warn you to not die from the cold. There is virtually no death toll high enough for us to cancel a day of class, but we’re practically begging you to not die from the cold.

Hypothermia can set in within as little as 10 minutes. Make sure you live within 10 minutes’ walk to your classrooms. If you don’t live within 10 minutes’ walk to your classrooms, make sure you do. If there’s no housing at all within 10 minutes’ walk from your classrooms, make sure you get to your classrooms within 10 minutes’ walk.

When you come to campus, it’s best if you don’t get outdoors to do it.

If you’re from a tropical area, you might not realize how cold it’s gonna be. It’s gonna be super cold. Don’t underestimate it and wear appropriate clothing. They say that it’s usually the ignorance that kills you, not the cold. Remember that. Remember that the cold doesn’t kill you. Don’t blame it on the cold.

Refrain from traveling on weekends. If you’re fine after traveling on weekends but freeze to death while in school, we will be quite offended.

Uncontrolled breathing, intense shivering, and loss of coordination are all signs of hypothermia. Identifying these hypothermia-related symptoms is very important for you to know exactly what you’re dying from. We also urge you to not feel these symptoms while coming to school so that you don’t get hypothermia.

If an Extreme Cold Warning is declared, that means it’s gonna be extremely cold. Like, holy shit, I can’t believe how cold it is. Like, it’s gonna be really tough, guys. The Extreme Cold Warning is our ultimate acknowledgement of how freaking cold it is. Like, oh my God, this one is cold. Above is pretty much the full meaning of the Extreme Cold Warning.

We’re always here for you. If you need any support about the harsh winter weather, please contact our harsh-winter security guards by calling their personal phone numbers if you happen to be their relatives or friends. You are also always welcome to visit our Office of Harsh Weather and Ice Stuff, which is one corner desk somewhere on campus.

If your professor cancels their class, hooray! That’s the best thing to do when the weather is fatally freezing. Congratulations on having a reasonable professor. We are so happy for you that your chances of dying this week decreases a little bit. We make it very clear to all our teaching staff that classes should never be cancelled, but we secretly hope that they do it anyways. We really don’t see any better way to keep you guys safe than secretly hoping that our staff don’t obey direct orders from the schoolboard.

In cases of emergency, call 911 immediately for police or medical services. Don’t mention us, though.

Statistically, students who follow our Twitter/Instagram account last year were 1.5% less likely to die from the cold. Do what you will with that information.

Love and, ironically, warmth,

Office of Safety

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Yisa Sun gets her entire personality from YouTube. She writes. She would love to call herself a writer, but really she just eats gooseberries most of the time. She currently lives in an apartment that is technically a bedroom.