Monday: Heads up, Aries! Life changes ahead! You thought your years of wiping noses and bottoms were over, but think again! It’s time for you to enroll in a program and get that nursing degree you’ve always longed for! Yes! It’s finally here! The world of caring for others awaits! Soon you will be the Angel in the White Cap, the Florence Nightingale you were always meant to be, emptying bedpans and changing adult diapers and tending and caring and washing and injecting people who need the kind of care only you can provide! Your future is calling, Aries!
Tuesday: Take Heed Aries! Your life is about to change as you take another long-awaited journey into parenthood! You might have thought you were done with breastfeeding and potty training and co-op preschool and parent nights and car insurance rates and Plan B and college tuition, but No! Get ready for the pitter-patter of more little feet, more sleepless nights, and the absolute explosion of joy brought by finally reaching your life’s goal of having another baby! Yes, at your age! The time is right to re-outfit that nursery, so grab your credit cards and get busy shopping. Isn’t that your favorite activity, anyway? So much spending awaits you! You were made for this, Aries!
Wednesday: Calling All Aries! Yes, it’s time to put your talent for listening with care to use! After all these years with your ear to the phone, nodding and making pleasant noises to an upset someone while trying to get your work done, you’re finally going to complete that master’s degree and become a couple’s counselor! Listening to the problems of other people will be your life’s work! Drawing on your own rich history of highly successful relationships has prepared you to listen objectively to the troubles of other married couples, offering sage advice and guiding them to positive outcomes and marital happiness. You’ve got this, Aries!
Thursday: Roll up your sleeves, Aries, AND your pantlegs! Worms might make you queasy, and you might have thought weeding a half-acre was more than enough and finally hired a lawncare service, but there is no such thing as enough! It’s time to sell everything you own, buy some land, and dig in! Yes, it’s your time to become the organic farmer you’ve always dreamt of being! Just you and the seeds and the dirt, up to your elbows in the compost and worms! Worms, worms, worms, Aries! Remember, the worm is your friend in this endeavor and so is the rain. So pull on those rubber boots! The mud is calling, Aries!
Friday: We have received your unsubscribe request and will remove you from our mailing list. Your Daily Horoscope is sad to see you go. Was it something we said? Just remember, you can resubscribe at any time, Aries!
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Karen G. Berry’s work has been nominated for the Pushcart Prize, and published by Thin Skin, Persimmon Tree, Open Secrets, Inknest, The Offing, Pasager, HerStry, Flash Fiction, Rust & Moth, The Gilded Weathervane, Ekphrastic Review, and many more. She lives and works in Portland, Oregon, and her windows are not boarded up. You can learn more about Karen at her blog, I am Not a Pie.