Annals of the Cookbook Wars

Dearest Annelise–

I am truly sympathetic to your difficulties in naming your newest cookbook, and fully understand and support your desire to use a single-word title. Your previous cookbooks–Eat, Bite, Munch, and Devour–sold crisply when they came out, and have continued to do well. As your agent, however, I just don’t think that Masticate works as a title.

Yes, clearly, Chew would have been better, although–as you know–I wasn’t firmly convinced that it was better than your earlier choice, Nibble. I get that the recipes in the book are not, by and large, nibbles, but things that you really bite into and chew, but “nibble” has a note of whimsy about it that is completely missing from “chew.” Still, I was on board with Chew until that unfortunate copyright dispute with Suzie Schumacher. And “masticate,” although synonymous with “chew,” just doesn’t make it as a title. Trust me on this.

I have gone back through my list of titles that we previously considered for your books, and ultimately didn’t use, and find several that may be worthy of reconsideration. I remember urging Dine. My notes reflect that you thought it “too much a white tablecloth and silver sort of word” for your more populist recipes, but I note that your current manuscript index contains references to brioche and confit, so maybe it’s time for Dine? The same goes, perhaps, for Savor, earlier rejected on the same populist grounds. As for Engorge, I take your objection that “people would think they were picking up a sex manual,” but what’s wrong with that? And isn’t Bite a bit kinky as well? Sex sells, my dear.

As we have previously discussed, your current place in the cookbook market makes the title, presentation, and sales pitch for your newest book more challenging than it need be. I realize that we have discussed your recent dust-up with Rebecca Fraser ad nauseam, but your tweet noting that Ms. Fraser’s latest cookbook “should have been titled Barf” fully mobilized Fraser’s fans against you. Her TV show is very popular. These people have their knives out, maybe their forks too. What do you think they will say about Masticate?

Speaking of forks, what about that for a title? Yes, I mean Forked. Sometimes. Annelise, you are just too prissy. Forked would be in your face, and overtly sexual, but, again, what’s wrong with that? It’s bold. It has the blunt Anglo-Saxon heft of your previous titles, not the multi-syllabic, Latinate density of Masticate. Since when is Masticate consistent with your avowed populist aims?

And, speaking of TV shows, I talked to Marty again about it. He was actually more enthusiastic about a possible show for you after your tweet about Rebecca. He thought there could be a competition between you, a back-and-forth, like the shows that bring on the liberal and conservative pundits and cut them loose. He got back to me to express reservations, though, after your Facebook post in which you said you had to spit out Moses Ogimbe’s yam and cassava stew because it tasted like wallpaper paste. Really, Annelise, I must ask: have you ever tasted wallpaper paste?

As for our further challenge, I think I have wooed back Roland. But please, please be nice to him. His photo work of your dishes has immensely enhanced your earlier cookbooks, and will this one as well no matter what the title. He is one of the best in the business. What, pray tell, inspired you to tell him his picture of your flan made it look like a mudpie?

I’m putting all of this in writing because our last attempts to communicate by phone have been disastrous. What was it that exploded into flame in your oven the last time we talked anyway? It made a most deafening din. I’m not sure you ever said. And surely you recall our rudely truncated conversation when your cat leapt into the midst of the congealed chicken salad you’d just prepared. Although I don’t believe you ever mentioned your cat’s name, I don’t believe it is “little bastard.”

Anyway, please give my suggestions some thought, then maybe we can meet for lunch. Did you know Moses Ogimbe has a new restaurant?

Best, Clive

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Rick Kast is a lawyer who never quite got over being an English major and has written fiction and humor pieces since the late Pleistocene. He lives in Charlottesville, Virginia, with his wife and Nigel Tawny, a large orange cat. In addition to writing, hishobbies include cooking, gardening, listening to music, and engaging in snappy repartee with computerized phone calls. In addition to this fine publication, his works have appeared in several journals, some of which actually still exist. His novels Romance with Variations and Three-Part Invention are available on Amazon and elsewhere where books are sold.