(CMN) A Portland, Oregon, man yesterday apologized for an apparently offensive apology he made earlier in the week. “I realize now that this past apology too ardently articulated a deep remorse for an incident that some did not find offensive in the first place, and I sincerely apologize for offending anyone whom I did not originally offend with my contrition. This is not the man I am,” he said. “For those who did find the incident offensive and were satisfied, hopefully, with my first apology, please disregard this one. I’m not that guy, either.” When a reporter from the large group of international media organizations gathered at the hastily called press conference in front of the man’s home in Lake Oswego, a suburb eight miles south of Portland, asked “then who are you?” the man burst into tears, fell to the ground in the fetal position, crying, “I don’t know anymore. I honestly don’t know. I really want my mom,” over and over.
In a CMN exclusive interview later in the day, the man recounted the chain of events that created what he called ‘this existential mess’. “I said something about a person having fifteen or more items at the Express Line at Whole Foods which has a limit of eleven. It appeared as a TikTok video that went viral and then someone called to tell me that a bunch of people whom I don’t even know were furiously attacking me over the internet. OregonLive picked it up and then CNN’s Don Lemon brought it up on his new morning show, calling me “entitled and privileged,” shaking his head along with his co-hosts and guests. Whoopee Goldberg brought it up on The View and Joy Behar went ballistic, which got my kids and wife and her book club all worked up and all their friends now refuse to come to our house unless I am “off the premises.” Their husbands, who were my core group of friends, are afraid to be associated with me. One of them snuck a message to me that read, “Sorry, buddy. We gotta let you go.”
“I am very alone, and I am so very, very sorry,” he said.
A Reddix, Is He An A**hole (IHAA) poll found that ninety percent of respondents agreed that the man, who admitted he is a white, educated male who did “pretty well,” is deserving of the public outcry and should face a lifetime succession of apologies even if the incident had not occurred. Many are asking for his termination from the boards of various community non-profits upon which he sits. “He’s a disgrace,” said one respondent who called herself Sweet Stuff. “They’re all a disgrace.” The man’s wife originally declined to comment to the throng of reporters surrounding her Tesla as she backed out of the driveway, saying that she had a “big tennis game and I need to get to the club to warm up.” Before driving off, she did note that “my husband’s views do not reflect those of the larger family.”
In related news, Whole Foods has announced “a bold and decisive measure to ensure that a reprehensible incident like this never occurs again” by changing the limit amount for their Express Lines to “Eleven-ish.”
[This is a developing story. CMN will keep you updated as more details emerge.]
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Joe McAvoy is not, alas, the pseudonym for a ridiculously successful, erudite novelist who occasionally descends to small satirical websites to see what the “little people are thinking” and takes great delight when he is rejected, relishing the day when all is exposed and said websites terminate the twit who made the decision to reject that would have catapulted the website into the stratosphere of public opinion and huge dineros!! He wishes he was. He lives in Portland, Oregon, with his wife, Kyle, and their English Lab, Rosie.