Roids, juice, gym candy, muscle crack, vitamin T, anabolic angel dust, the devil’s apple juice. Whether it be for crushing baseballs or crushing pussy, every guy thinks about taking steroids at least once in his life, and if you’re reading this it’s because you’ve hit that crossroads in your life.

You’re thinking about steroids because you’ve hit a wall in the gym. Maybe your lifts aren’t getting any stronger. Maybe your muscles aren’t getting any bigger. Maybe you were looking at your phone and lost where you were. Whatever the reason for hitting a wall, bench presses and protein shakes just aren’t getting the job done anymore, and you’re considering chasing the swole dragon. These are totally natural (or enhanced) thoughts to have. After all, protein powder has been called a gateway drug to steroids. But before you start chowing down on trenbolone-y sandwiches, let an experienced personal trainer and amateur “doctor” help you weigh the benefits versus drawbacks.

Benefits:

1. Your muscles get bigger: Duh
2. Your lifts get heavier: Double duh
3. You recover faster: Triple duh.
4. Chicks are way more into you: Quadruple duh with a cherry on top (not literally, cherries have carbs)
5. You get better at baseball. This only applies if you’re on a baseball team.
6. You get better at football. This only applies if you’re on a football team.
7. You get better at wrestling. This only applies if you’re trying to corral some hogs or gators. Or you’re on a wrestling team.
8. Your sex drive is increased. Seriously, I cannot stop ejaculating. A cashier at Target told me to have a nice day and I creamed my khakis right then and there. And the cashier wasn’t even that hot. I mean, I’d do her, but I wouldn’t tell my friends.
9. Increased head size. The extra skull capacity allows your brain to grow along with your body, allowing for increased intelligence. It’s why people like Joe Rogan are so smart.

Drawbacks Hidden Benefits

Whenever I mention steroids to a client, their puny brains can’t help but think about the downsides. It’s all, “Aren’t these bad for you?”, “Won’t this take years off my life?”, and “Why are your eyeballs pulsating?” You know who asks these kinds of questions? Losers, that’s who. Was Marie Curie concerned about radiation poisoning when she worked towards the Nobel Prize? Of course not. Probably because not much was known about the side effects of radium at the time and she wasn’t aware of its toxicity, but the point still stands. You can’t make an omelet without cracking a few eggs, and you can’t sculpt a perfect body without rupturing a few blood vessels.

Even so, I find most of the things people call drawbacks, downsides, or existence-ruining side effects are actually hidden benefits of taking steroids. Of course, there’s the obvious benefits of getting yoked, but with the right outlook, some of so-called disadvantages of steroids can actually be positives. Here are a few examples:

Elevated heart rate: The American Heart Association recommends at least 150 minutes per week of aerobic exercise to elevate your heart rate. Taking steroids can cause your heart to conveniently palpitate at random points throughout the day, so you can save time and skip the gains-killing cardio by juicing up and getting that heart pumping in overdrive.

Reduced Alcohol Tolerance: Since steroids can cause your liver to technically become, uh, less effective, it doesn’t take as much alcohol to catch a buzz. You’ll be like a basic bitch at a barbecue; two White Claws and you’re gone.

Diminished Fertility: On the surface this one sounds bad, but think it through. After taking steroids you’ll be so jacked you’ll be pounding strange left and right, and you don’t want to knock up some shallow slut who only fucks a dude because of big muscles, and you certainly don’t want to wear condoms either. Taking steroids means you can have as much unprotected sex with whomever is willing without any consequences.

Enhanced Perception: People will tell you about the mind-awakening effects of drugs like DMT, ayahuasca, and Mucinex, but rarely do you hear about the mental benefits of taking steroids. Sometimes called by the misnomer “Roid Rage”, regular steroid usage increases your perception of those around you and allows you to take a more assertive role against them. The other drivers on the road were always idiot morons, but the steroids allow you to see that and give you the confidence to tailgate the stupid jerk who cut you off, flash your lights at them, follow them all the way home and remember their address, return later, weeks later, long after they’ve forgotten of the encounter and slash their tires when they least expect it. Without steroids you’d never have the wherewithal or mindset to do such a thing, which is what makes them a great mind-enhancer alongside their muscle-enhancing capabilities.

Enlarged Clitoris: This one only applies to the ladies out there, but think about how many times you’ve been in bed with some clueless loser who can’t even find your clitoris. Imagine that, a grown man who can’t locate a woman’s clit, the most powerful erogenous zone on her body. I’ve never ever ever had that issue, but I’ve heard rumors of other men who can’t seem to find the little nub thing above the fun part of the vagina. Pathetic. But, ladies, if your clit were bigger, more of the dopes you swipe right on on Tinder instead of me would be able to find it and pleasure you. Bigger muscles, bigger orgasms. It’s a regular Catch-22 scenario, all outcomes benefit you. And if you’re really lucky, you may stop getting your period as well, so no more cramps or expensive tampons.

Side note: A lot of people seem to think men’s genitals grow smaller after taking steroids, and I’d like to take this opportunity as a steroid user to say that is NOT true. Your quad muscles simply grow so much after juicing that things appear smaller, when in fact they are the same size they’ve always been. My nuts have not gotten smaller. They are the same size, no matter what any doctor says.

How to Get and Use Steroids

Alright, so after reading about the benefits and drawbacks of steroids, you’re ready to make an impartial decision as to whether you want to try them out. But you’re probably wondering, how do I get steroids? Don’t worry, most antisocial dweebs have a hard time establishing strong connections with drug dealers, but I will teach you how to get your paws on the good stuff.

First thing, go to some of the gyms in your area and ask around. Avoid big box gyms as those mostly contain soccer moms and people who work out because their doctor told them to. Instead, look for the local muscle-head gyms. Bonus points if the gym has any of the following:

1. Exercise equipment outside so everyone can see how strong the lifters are.
2. They work out with tires and/or chains.
3. Blaring heavy metal music, and nothing newer than 2002
4. Bald guys with the mustache-goatee combo
5. A chalkboard boasting the heaviest lifts ever performed in the gym.

If you find a gym like this, congratulations, because it’s raining Tren. Hallelujah it’s raining Tren, amen. Now, head inside the locker room and start poking around to find a drug dealer. If a spindly, pale-skinned dude with an eternal sniffle approaches you and offers to sell you steroids, tell him to fuck off. Skinny guys don’t have real steroids. If they did, they wouldn’t be skinny. Instead, go up to the biggest, strongest looking man you can find and ask him where he gets his steroids. If he doesn’t beat you to a pulp for making such an insinuation, he might be able to hook you up.

Okay, so you’ve got the steroids. Now what, you foolishly ask. Well, start injecting. Not in your ass stupid. That’s a myth. Instead inject the steroids in the part of your body that you want to be the most muscular. If you want big arms, inject the steroids into your biceps. If you want a six pack, inject them into your stomach. If you want a big dick…following the pattern?

Now that you’ve got the steroids and injected them, you’re ready to get swole. You’ll have a bigger bench press, stronger squat, overpowering overhead press, and other alliterative exercise improvements. But most of all, you’ll have a better life, because the heaviest thing we lift isn’t found in a gym. The heaviest thing we lift is the weight of existence, and steroids will help you grind out those tough reps.

————

Elliott Baas is a basement-dwelling millennial. His hobbies include drinking Mountain Dew and leaving mean comments on YouTube videos. His work has appeared in Defenestration and Furrow Magazine. He is a member of the FSWA and his sports writing has appeared on RotoBaller.com and Fantasypros.com. If you’d like to follow him he lives in Oshkosh, WI and likes to jog in the mornings, or you can follow him @ElliottBaasBB.