“All Applicants Considered,” by J. Mira Emory

Aug 24th, 2022 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Full disclosure, I am not the devil. I cannot damn you soul nor make Faustian bargains. Rather I am a simple warlock of humble means who is in need of a man’s soul for various occult purposes.

Apply if this scenario intrigues you. First you will be strapped to a table with black candles surrounding you and be painted head to toe in virgin goat’s blood. If you do not consent to nudity during this ritual, a loin cloth will be provided for modesty. Socks will be pre-bloodied and mandatory as bare feet as bare feet are not permitted within the sanctum. I must consider my own boundaries during this process

Expect to be stabbed a number of seven times. None of these will in be in lethal locations. Antibiotics will be applied following each impalement. Please refrain from screaming, and more importantly begging for mercy. This will null and void this portion of the ritual, requiring it to be repeated until performed properly. A potion of arcane properties will be administered upon successful completion of the stabbings. I can assure you that while the brew itself has not been approved by the FDA, all of its ingredients have been cleared.

You will be expected as well to remain conscious for the process of soul extraction. Despite any reservations you may have, let me assure you that the experience has been described as exhilarating, enlightening, and even orgasmic. Few in life appreciate the apotheosis of leaving one’s body while in a conscious state given that most people are in some stage of being dead when the soul finds it fit to leave the body.

It being your soul that is being extracted, you are entitled to knowing my various plans for it upon negotiations. De keep in mind as your soul is eternal, my purpose and methodology may evolve over time. Typically, when a soul has reached the point of exhaustion or irreconcilable despair, I will place it into the body of a dog return it to the cycle of mortality. This is not guaranteed. You may end up floating in a jar until kingdom come. I understand this possibility being upsetting to you and it is within your right to opt out of this fate with advance notice. This applies to most uses I have for a soul. Rest assured, consent is integral to this sale.

All applicants will be considered. I am willing to pay handsomely. Creative trades are open to negotiation. Please keep in mind as your body will become a soulless husk I recommend you donate your payment to a third party.

Expect a reply to your inquiry within 48 hours.


J. Mira Emory loves to surprise people with snippets of her life, but is more boring than she lets on. Most of her time is spent daydreaming about robots and witches. Occasionally she writes about them too.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.