“The Oral History of FAQ Told by Chatbots,” by Luke Roloff

Oct 20th, 2021 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

“Hi! I’m Christy. Yes, I can tell you about FAQ. What would you like to know? I’m sorry, I did not catch that. What would you like to know? What would you like to know? Okay! You’d like to know about FAQ!”

“Thank you for your interest in FAQ. My name is Jason. See my picture of my face. That is my perfectly real face. I would be happy to tell you about how FAQ started. Goodbye. YOUR SESSION HAS ENDED UNEXPECTEDLY.”

“Good afternoon. I’m Jenny! I’m a people. I don’t understand. (Jenny is typing…) I’m not good at understanding. You would like to know more about FAQ? Okay! No problem! FAQ is a list of questions asked so often that answers are written in advance so that our company isn’t bothered but you are because you have to go look them up. Was that helpful?”

“I’m Joel C.! Christy and Jenny said they were dumber than me? No way, they’re not even close!”

“Hi!! I’m Abby. My blouse is bright blue! I’m Abby. You would like to know about FAQ—awesome! You can hunt our website like the illuminati, or struggle to win the information from me, happy Abby! A real Abby person. I’m sorry, can you be more specific? I’m sorry, can you be even a little bit more specific than that? I’m sorry. I’m just sorry.”

“I remember it like it was 10 seconds ago. You asked me about the history of FAQ, then I typed ‘I remember it like it was 10 seconds ago.’ Then I locked your debit card. You’re all set!”

“Hello! Check out how many exclamation points I can use!!! My brain is good!”

“According to JD Power and Associates we have the best oral history on the planet. It’s made with real fruit juice!”

“Hi, I’m actually interrupting you! I know you showed no interest in chatting with me, but I’m a human friendly, do you like guessing games? Beep boop, beep bop, boop boop!”

“Maybe it’s time I do some of the question-asking. Like how would you like 10% off the purchase of your next walk-in jacuzzi if you give me your email address?”

“Hi, I’m Abby again! I think Christy and Jenny face started FAQ! I don’t know! I’m Abby!”

“History of FAQ? I think what you’re asking is how did our FAQ begin to exist, is that right? Okay, perfect. The answer cannot be found on our FAQ. Have a great day!”

“Let me check my records! Okay, got it! According to my records, I have no records. Thank you!”

“I’m sorry about that! How can we make you madder?”

“You have questions that aren’t addressed by our FAQ? Here, let me direct you to our FAQ!”

“I can help you with that. Let me get you right over to a live chat representative. It will be 45 minutes.”

“I’m sorry, I did not catch that. What would you like to know?”


Luke Roloff is currently one of the people in LA. His writing has appeared in Sports Illustrated, McSweeney’s and The American Bystander. Please stop what you’re doing and go to www.lukeroloff.com immediately.



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