“Five Stars,” by Eric Kaplan

Apr 20th, 2021 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose

When I read Talons of the Night at first I thought I would like it because I am a fan of human/intelligent eagle erotic fan fiction and I thought this would be an example of that because of the title and because of the cover art which depicted a very curvaceous and lovely woman in a painting having an intimate encounter with a swan which although it is not an eagle which is what I find most exciting, is pretty close, much closer than for example anything on television where you have to imagine that the man with the woman is an eagle in a costume or changes into an eagle at some time of day which is the theme of the film Lady Hawk which I also like although the genders are wrong, at least for my own reading pleasure.

Imagine how disappointed I was to discover that it was not what I thought I would be but in fact different, and in fact, different along the dimension of making it worse rather than better.

Has the writer ever actually seen an eagle? If he had he would know they are not grey and white and full-chested—that is a description of a pigeon! The eagle body and coloration are entirely different! Has he ever actually had a sexual fantasy of being one and having an intimate encounter with a human woman, between five foot two and five foot eight with a slender waist and blondish or reddish blondish hair? If he had he would know that her naked bosoms are crushed against the bird’s brawny chest and sternum, that the wings comfort her, and he would use the words “coo” and “squawk” and “nestle”!

Does he know anything about love?

The answer is unfortunately “no” or if it is yes his skills at using the English language to describe these experiences in such a way that it will be useful for a reader who is hoping to read a book in order to enjoy thinking about these things is nil defective and deficient, so much so that I will go back to my first answer—he has never had these experiences! I wonder if he has a heart!

And yet the picture of the young man borne up to heaven on the back of the immense VULTURE (not an eagle as I can tell you) for sodomistic love play with the King of Gods is not something that I can easily forget as I lie in bed trying to sleep.

I am eighty-seven.

You know nothing of love or sex or fantasy or eagles T. Wayne Roger Williams and you are a bad author and I give your book 1 star.

But I love you. I give you five stars. I know you don’t know anything about love or eagles in fantasy and are an extremely poor writer. (Honestly did you know there is a part of speech called an “adverb”? You should google what they are and then use them TMRW!). But the fact that you are out there on the internet—I wonder in what country—it is clear English is not your native language? Perhaps the hot sands of Saudi Arabia or a bloc of flats in some former Soviet satellite—trying to put these fantasies into words and trying to say what love is, and failing, so desperately, so completely, so abjectly, makes me love you.

It took me two and a half hours of searching but I found your IP address in Moldavia. I am coming for you Mr. Mascalu.

I will rake your back with my nails and for our final consummation take you up up up above the clouds far far from where mortal men and birds do dwell.


Eric Kaplan is an Emmy award winning television writer and philosopher. His work has appeared on The Big Bang Theory, Futurama, Flight of the Conchords, and Young Sheldon. He is the author of “Does Santa Exist: A Philosophical Investigation” which examines logic, mysticism, and comedy as three approaches to contradiction. Born in Brooklyn New York, he now resides in Los Angeles. He can be found online on twitter at @ericlinuskaplan and at ericlinuskaplan.wordpress.com

Tags: , , , ,

Comments are closed.