“A Scientific Explanation of Why It’s Not Our Fault That The Neighborhood Squirrels Started Eating Coffee Beans,” by Prisca Bejjani

Apr 29th, 2020 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Day 1. 

Dear Neighborhood,
We just wanted to let you know that the potentially erratic behavior of the neighborhood squirrels is completely unrelated to our having dumped a bag of coffee beans in our compost. It was a low quality brand presented to us from our in-laws, but, being the environmentally conscious people we are, we are composting instead of trashing them.

Day 2. 

Dear Neighborhood,
We have hypothesized extensively on the existence of a rare plant that only flowers once every 732 lunar years, and that nocturnally. This plant is assumed to have the propensities to make squirrels run around and around in circles when its perfume is inhaled, as well as causing them to perform acrobatic exercises upon phone lines. No scientific link has been established between imbibing coffee beans by climbing rodents and these performances.

Day 3. 

Dear Neighborhood,
We will be delivering lectures on our research in local schools, and hope that we can count on your support. Most parents at the schools have not seen the scratches on cars and the roof shingles torn off in our neighborhood. We greatly appreciate your assistance by silence.

Day 4. 

Dear Neighborhood,
We would like to inform you that we will be out of town for the next week and a half, and perhaps permanently, having been awarded an honorary degree from Harvard due to our discoveries. Our permanent absence has nothing to do with being woken up multiple times a night by small chattering mammals, nor with my wife’s having been ambushed by squirrels jumping on her hat every time she leaves the house. We also need to rewrite curriculum for all grade levels to include our discoveries.

N.B. No squirrels were harmed in the writing of this article.


Prisca Bejjani lives in a fantasy world, which is inhabited only by herself and her pet hippogriff. She emerges only to eat peanut butter and honey sandwiches and speaks only in Greek if addressed by strangers during that time. Inhibition of her personal space is not recommended at most times unless you’re a very good bachata dancer.

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