“New York Times Obituary Rough Drafts,” by Ken Carlson

Nov 20th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Miriam Fungeltrap, a Noted Scientist, Is Dead at 81.


Miriam Fungeltrap, 81, Dies; Discovered Important Strain of Bacteria.


Miriam Fungeltrap; Scientist, Teacher, Devoted Wife, Mother of Two, Beloved in her Community, Deceased at 81.


Miriam Fungeltrap; Scientist, Influential Pioneer for Women, Passed Away at 81.


Miriam Fungeltrap; Unlikely to Reach 82, or Tomorrow.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81, Scientist Passed On; Surrounded by her Family, Friends, and a Telemarketer named Susan.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81 Years and Never Went to Vermont.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81, Knew How to Work a Microscope, if You Know What I Mean.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81, Climbed the Stairway to Heaven Despite Being More Into Skynyrd.


Miriam Fungeltrap; Departed at 81 from Gate 4.


Miriam Fungeltrap; Kind of Hot Back in the Day; Put to Bed with a Shovel at 81.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81, Could’ve Totally Kicked Your Ass, so Knock it off, Brian.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81, Used to Sniff the Test Tubes after Experiments.


Miriam Fungeltrap; 81, Good in Math and Stuff, Not Cool with Anyone Puking in her Car.


Miriam Fungeltrap was 81; Don’t Bother Her About Game of Thrones.


Miriam Fungeltrap; No Longer Looking for a Good Time at 81; aka M.F. on the Men’s Room Wall of the Vince Lombardi Service Area, New Jersey Turnpike.


Miriam Fungeltrap; Perished at 81, Someone Else Must Bring Lemon Squares to Book Club.


KEN CARLSON is the guy in your office who said Donut Friday was a good idea. He is also the author of GET OUT OF MY WAY! THE ANNOYED COMMUTER’S HANDBOOK. He has contributed to several humorous websites, including Clever Magazine. His coverage of the arts has reached a variety of news sources and his editorial work for The Comedians Magazine was featured in the A.V. Club section of The Onion. His stage and audio plays have been performed in 2/3 of the tri-state area. Screw you, Vermont! @KenCarlsonsaid

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