“How to Become Marriage Material,” by Sheyda Demooei

Nov 27th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

You’re a single woman over the age of 25 with an unnatural desire for independence. Words such as shriveled, aging uterus, and embryo cryopreservation are appearing more frequently in your family’s daily conversation. You often feel guilty for not having produced a grandchild to brighten up your parent’s monotonous post-retirement life. You’ve powered through a series of bad dates to find your ideal partner only to be abruptly abandoned two years later with a casual “I don’t know what’s wrong but something doesn’t feel right” as a reason. More and more you feel remorseful for breaking up with your unambitious high school sweetheart; sure he had no career aspirations but he wanted to marry you at some point. You need a husband, and you need him now.

If there’s one thing you should learn from your past dating experience it’s that you are not wife material … yet. The bad news is that convincing a man that you are worthy of that shiny pebble isn’t an easy task. The good news? Being an ideal wife is a learned skill. At merely 35 and already on husband number six, I’m here to teach you the basic steps to becoming marriage material. The steps are simple; yet they require dedication and daily practice. Read on, and begin the journey of uncovering your inner wife.

Hide Yo Wrinkles, Hide Yo Lines

Let’s face it, you’re aging and it shows. Your skin no longer has its youthful glow, your breasts inch closer to your bellybutton every day, and just last week you found a collection of gray hairs on your left temple. Not only is aging inevitable for all, but it is also incredibly unattractive. The stress wrinkles on your forehead remind every man you meet of one undeniable fact: we are all going to die. Your job as a potential wife is to present the illusion of immortality. While this task was nearly impossible a few centuries ago, thanks to modern medicine and the lifesaving products of cosmetic companies you can transform yourself into a forever-young Venus. Make a bi-weekly Botox appointment with your local beautician and make sure to never be seen without some makeup. Your natural skin is your enemy. Remember when it comes to cosmetics, the more the merrier.


Women are mothers by nature. We love to feel needed by taking care of the men in our lives. This natural urge can be used to our advantage for one simple reason: Oedipus Complex. Men’s unnatural love for their mothers gives you the opportunity to become their MotherWife. Begin by asking general family related questions and slowly focusing on the qualities your mate values in his mother. Take those values on as your own. When he takes you to meet the family, follow his mother around the house and study her. Ask to take her out for a coffee sometime so you can familiarize yourself with her quirks, demeanor, and fashion style and mimic them in your daily life. Soon your partner will feel the same homey attraction for you as he does for her, and that is your in.

Erratic Wife Romantic Life

There’s nothing men enjoy more than a good chase. If you study the details of your past relationships you will soon realize the romance began to vanish as soon as your partner was assured of your fidelity and dedication. That’s because evolutionary speaking, men are born to be hunters not vultures. Your availability and compassion is too easy and unattractive. Be the wild gazelle to his cheetah. Always be on high alert and keep him on his toes. When he brings you a bouquet of red roses on Valentine’s Day, passive aggressively mention that even though your favorite flowers are daisies, it’s the thought that counts. Create the illusion of disinterest. Ignore him at parties and pay extra attention to his friends. Breakup with him on a whim and take him back an hour later. Make him believe you could do better, but won’t if he tries a little bit harder. Keep the need to chase you alive, and he will resort to legally binding your lives together.

All women have clung to a false notion of independence at one point or another while believing in the back of their minds that they are just not meant to find a life partner. But the truth is that being marriage material is just a matter of having the right tools and attitude towards bagging a husband. I’ve started you out with three basic steps to unleash your wifey qualities. Practice them every day and grow them on your own and soon you will find yourself being chased down the aisle by your own fervid Romeo while your family tearfully celebrates the salvation of your uterus in the background.


Sheyda Demooei is an exhausted tech consultant in New York. She spends her free time hiding at home with her cat, tirelessly working on developing her wife skills, and occasionally on jokes and short stories. Acquaintances have described her as “sporadically funny”.

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