“Must-Haves for Amber Jambers’s Annual Jamberlation,” by Don Malkemes

Aug 20th, 2019 | By | Category: Fiction, Prose


One year and four cycles ago, our pan-am mega-island boldly ceded all authority, marketshare, and event planning to Amber Jambers, its First & Only Celebritator. Under her divine, righteous and benevolent leadership™, our new society finally remembered trash day, and left like 100 bags out for the garbage truck of history. Free from the detritus of a corrupted society, we, led by Amber Jambers, forged the most shiny path under the banners of Totality, Currency, and Libbers. So let’s party!


The Admanners of Infammers has RSVPed Libber Teams for exciting home audits during Amber Jambers’s 97th Annual Jamberlation. When the Libber Team arrives, please provide proof of purchase, materials, memories, and/or services for all mandatory Jamberlation items:

Amber Jambers’s Jam Hammers
Amber Jambers and her apostolic Jam Hammers destroyed all previous musical works in what sovereign entities and music critics collectively described as, “a tower of Fear that replaces all Beauty and Intellect.” Art was dead. Long live Art. It was literally the soundtrack of a revolution, and supremely, unavoidably catchy.

Amber Jambers’s Ham Jammers
The food that redefined food: an easy-to-nuke cylinder of tradition (peanut butter and jelly) and innovation (pork-roll center). It’s hard to remember a time when fridgerammers didn’t have a built-in HJ bin. But there was a time, and during that time no one smiled, and the world stunk of fat-gross bodies that menstruated, urinated, and had hair. As we say at the Admanners of Infammers, “I’ll have two more, for life!”

Amber Jambers’s Marinanners
No one remembers The Olive Garden (nor gardens), due to the wild success of Jambers’s Marinanners. Restaurants used to be for friends and fammers, but they were horrible places of torturous speech and stagnant pools of choice. Marinanners gave us what we never knew to ask for: the ultimate take on fast-formal Italian cuisine and homogenized legislation. As the sign out front tells us: Food, Laws & Eugenics. We might go because we have to. But we stay to avoid eye contact.

Amber Jambers’s Stammer Blammers
After the HamJamMarinan Plan was adopted for a healthier, stronger citizenry, Jambers pressed forward with her goal of healing us all. The Stammer Blammers inoculation podcast ended the stuttering epidemic of the first cycle, which at its height affected 75% of all Jamberites. Filled with Amber Jambers’s trademarked motivational phrases like “At first, you don’t succeed,” and “Patriotism is the last refuge,” millions finally found a cure. But the podcast didn’t stop there. It also cured myriad undiagnosed health issues and social anxieties until everybody was healthy. As each episode’s sign-off says, “No sickness will be tolerated!”

Amber Jambers’s Glamour Clammers
Through the sustained use of the aforementioned fidelities, and by design, every healthy Jamberite slowly grew gills on their ankles.  We were paragons of health and beauty, now amphibious, but we still wore pants and socks. We were literally suffocating ourselves! Not the fun way either.

The Glamour Clammers freed us all. The disruptive short-pant let the world breathe again, which was an auspicious innovation as aquatic cities became the coolest places to frolic and tremble. Sea or land, the world could now survive whatever Mammer Nammers threw at us: tsunamis, choke-clouds, the Blue Angels, whatevs. And we looked 1000 percent better.

So got that, get it? And have it all ready for the Libber Team upon their entrance. Let’s not RSVP Amber Jambers’s Problammer Scrammers this year.

Be fast. Be faithful. Be fun.



Don Malkemes lives in Chicago.

Tags: , , , ,

Comments are closed.