“You Are Cordially Invited to the Open Marriage Ceremony of Darren and Linda Johnson,” by Lydia Oxenham

Jan 16th, 2019 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

We are gathered here today to open the marriage of Darren and Linda Johnson. Darren and Linda, you’ve been married for 10 years and have three children, but you’re just not feeling the spark. Maybe you never were. And your sex life has been almost nonexistent for the past few years. Just look at Darren… This is not a man who has had sex in a very long time.

You were skeptical of monogamy from the start of your 5-year exclusive dating relationship and into your decade-long commitment to one person. But maybe it’s just not for you or your currently well-adjusted children. Besides, you’ve barely seen any of the results of a self-giving strong bond with someone who is also deeply invested in you. Specifically one result: a sex life your 20-year-old self would be jealous of.

Many people believe marriage is 50/50. Each person giving and receiving 50 percent. But it can be any percentage you want. 60/30, 50/40/10, 10/10/10/20/50.

The Bible tells us all about marriage. In Genesis, Jacob married Leah, but she was ugly. So then he married Rachel. But even she wasn’t enough, so he also banged their servants, and they were all totally cool with it. Jacob gave birth to a nation, so maybe you guys can at least finally afford that larger house.

And now, the vows. Repeat after me…

I, Daren, release you Linda from the obligations of being my wife. I’ll still pay the bills, and you’ll rear the kids, but you’ll also be reared by another man because I guess you suddenly like that now..

I, Linda, release you Darren from the obligations of being my husband. We can still be friends. And I’ll need to use your car because it’s newer. But you can have the guest bedroom all to yourself now.

1 Corinthians tells us that love does not envy. But it’s going to be hard not to be jealous of the person dating your spouse. So just push all those feelings deep down, so only your kids notice that you’re not happy.

May I have the flings please?

*Karey and Mike approach*

Repeat after me:

With this fling, I take back my promise. You’ll still be my husband/wife. But I’m going to sleep with other people now. And we definitely won’t be weird when we see each other’s lovers at breakfast.

I now pronounce you man, and wife, and lovers. You may kiss whomever you wish.


Lydia Oxenham is a South Carolina native living in Southern California. She’s learning to like sushi. Check out her infrequent tweets @hyperbolydia.

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