“The future of urban transportation is in the past,” by Gabe Capone

Nov 14th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Dear Chase Bank,

Bike sharing is rolling through every major city in America as the go-to mode of transportation for commuters and cruisers alike. I’m sure as a large bank it boils your blood to see your competitors being hailed as the savior from subways and buses.

I’ve got a way you can compete and I can sum it up with two words: Chase Horse.

Picture this, a fleet of sturdy, well-bred, horses tethered to hitching posts on every corner in metropolitan areas across the country. Men, women, and children paying a farm hand with five dollars cash and getting to pick the equine that’s right for them.

A pregnant woman on her way to a checkup sticks her foot into a stirrup and climbs onto a seven-foot horse for the first time.

A Wall Street exec in a silk suit smiles at the feeling of the fine, leather saddle under his shorn buttocks.

An elderly woman in her nightgown on her way to the market screams “Hiya!” as she digs her slippered heels into the ribs of a 1,000-pound thoroughbred.

A nine-year-old boy clinches the reigns and shrieks with delight as he’s overwhelmed by the sensation of this majestic animal galloping at 50 miles per hour toward a pier’s edge.

I know you’re chomping at the bit (ha!) to get started, but let me proactively answer questions you may have.

“Isn’t it dangerous to ride a horse without any experience?”

I would argue that it’s no more dangerous than the naive, helmet-less bike-share riders that are currently wobbling through the streets.

“How do I get these horses?”

It’s very simple. Race horses are often retired before the age of seven (imagine if we all could retire so early!). You would purchase these retired horses and house them on approximately 20 acres of land. Here they can train for the crowded city streets in a patented “urban” obstacle course developed by me and my team of designers.

Look out for that fire hydrant, Shorty Jones!

Jump over those mortified tourists, Seabiscuit!

Don’t trample that baby carriage, War Horse!

Some of the horses I mentioned are either dead from natural causes or have been slaughtered so they are not available for your new facility. They’re strictly examples so you can envision the training.

“I’m a bank and I care a lot about money. Will this make me rich?”

Short answer, yes. In addition to providing city residents and visitors with the thrill of horse riding, there are tremendous financial opportunities. You’ll not only receive profits from the horse share program itself, but also every horse will be branded with the Chase logo. This “branding” will keep your bank top of mind for consumers and help you earn new customers. Cha-ching!

So, what’s going to save all those suckers sweating on Citibikes? Chase Horse, of course.

I know you’re not going to say neigh to this brilliant horse sharing system. I look forward to saddling up with you toward the money-soaked sunset. Giddy up!

Yours Truly,

Roy Roogers

P.S. Full disclosure, I’m currently pitching another transportation idea to Bank of America called Bank of Dolphins. However, this idea would not conflict with Chase Horse as it’s only for those who prefer to travel by water.


Gabe Capone often fails miserably at writing his bio but hopes this time is the last. He’s a writer and performer whose humor has been featured on Doin’ It with Mike Sacks, Scary Mommy, the stages of New York City, the improvised therapy show Walk-In Therapy, and pharmaceutical advertisements. A piece he wrote once received the comment “he’s funny but seems like kind of a dick.” You can check out more of his work at gabecapone.com.

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