“Don’t Look Now, But I Think Those Tapered Jeans 30% Off Are Tailing Me,” by Luke Roloff

Oct 17th, 2018 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Okay. Play it cool. Don’t look. But I think those Tapered Jeans 30% Off are tailing me.

Why do I think that? Well, for starters, they’ve been popping up in my rear-view for two long weeks.

Yes, I did happen to look at a pair of tapered jeans a while back. But I was just looking. No add to cart. Swear.

Now this.

I can’t shake him. I turn left at HuffPo—BOOM, vertical banner 3 o’clock. I go East on Buzzfeed—WAMMO, rich media unit on my six.

I’m telling you, these trousers are preying on my every move.

Clearly, Tapered Jeans 30% Off and his goons have planted a tracking device on me. Probably tapped the phones, bugged the house—you wearin’ a wire?

Yeah, I said goons. Plural. Uh huh, he’s got a bunch of thugs hustlin’ high-traffic sites, and a pack of pimps creepin’ the corners. I know. Who are these guys?

Well, I mean, we know who they are, they’re DenimShack.com. But who lives like this? Sneaking around night and day. Always lurking. Always discounting.

Oh, now he’s flashing his brights at me. These pants got a real pair. Not even pretending to lay low. Just wagging his best-price guarantee right in my face.

What’d you say? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over the sound of his blaring horn. He just upped the ante to 40%? Of course he did.


No, yeah, you’re right, that is a very competitive offer. No, no. I get it. Probably not going to find lower, even with a promo code.

But there’s something I need you to understand, my friend; I won’t be hunted down and hoodwinked by some freewheeling dungarees dealer. No, sir. I still have my dignity, and a private investigator, and this new ad-blocker software.

FOR THE LOVE OF INTERRUPTION-FREE BROWSING—this tapered bastard wants me to a play a game with him? Really? You wanna play games? Okay, let’s play games. How about a sick game where I haunt your every waking moment until you’re fraught with paranoia, flinching at even the slightest flicker of light?

AAAH! That crackerjack just popped up outta thin air! Great, now he’s got expanding HTML 5 on his payroll, and possibly the exact fit I’m looking for. These blue-jean gangbangers are either going to drive me mad or back to their site for purchase reconsideration.

Sure, I was curious how a trimmer, more form-fitted calf area would look in comparison to my slim fits, who isn’t; but I sure didn’t plan on living the rest of my life looking over my shoulder, constantly swerving in and out of traffic, frequently waving a pistol around, relentlessly reminded of the outfits I could match with.

The local detective said there was nothing he could do beyond adjusting my browser mode to private, so when I spoke to the FBI, obviously I suggested counter surveillance for retail espionage of this magnitude, but apparently I called J. Crew by mistake.

Ya, no kidding, and just between you and me, the doctor said my schizophrenia is worsening.

What’s that?! We’re surrounded in savings!

Our chances of escaping now are as narrow as his leg opening!

I can’t even see the road in this storm of indigo—my windshield is covered in hand-pleated craftsmanship!

Not good! He’s driven us straight into the pits of promotional hell! Did you hear me, we’re in hell now!!!


(Approximately 15 minutes later)

Don’t look. But I think Buy One Phone, Get One Free For A Family Member is on our tail.


Luke is currently one of the people in LA. Also, he has written things on the Internet before. For money, he helps make advertisements so that you know what to buy. Pray for Luke.


Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.