Since the dawn of man, we’ve passionately debated which alternative energy source is best. On and on it goes, boring as hell. Always leading back to one place. Sitting Indian style in a semi-circle asking ourselves, once we’ve blown through all the oil, what’s the best way to make more oil?

Circa 2016, and the debate flames on. Though we aren’t on the floor anymore, we’re perched high upon our tavern stools, barking back and forth about gas prices until the guy nobody likes says, “We need to develop a solid alternative energy strategy, a-sap.” We do not like this man. He is no man at all. He is a TV above the bar. And we do not like this TV-man pointing out that oil remains a limited resource until the day we finally unearth the everlasting motherlode.

Pending that glorious event, must we forfeit our extreme comforts at the cost of protecting the planet we enjoy them on? Not in America. We’re better than that. We’ll make shady deals with unstable countries before it comes to that. We’ll waterboard foreigners before we forsake our imported sedans. We’ll stop at nothing to ensure nothing stops how comfortable we are.

Though pumping oil isn’t as cool as it used to be. I think we all imagined ourselves growing up to be oilmen. Workin’ the rigs. Fresh oil spangled all over our face. Spitting dirty jokes, chugging light beer, pissing all over each other, sucking up the brown straight out of the earth, busting our ass out there, one day becoming the slick-haired silver-tongued boss, kicking back in our private jet-engine airplane getting high on our own supply. Those days are behind us, though. It’s 2016. Wake up.

I, for one, won’t sit by and watch our planet suffer the consequences of our actions. That’s why I’ve sat on the couch and partially watched a few documentaries. I’ve farted around on the Internet and read a billion Tweets. I’ve ducked under the shrubs and eavesdropped on my neighbors. And through this calculated process, I’ve subconsciously aggregated all the anecdotal sound bites into one bulletproof expert opinion.

The truth is, no one knows if oil tastes very good. We don’t try it on a lot of foods. Why? Why don’t we sniff each other’s butts like dogs do? Some things aren’t meant for us to know.

So the question isn’t whether we’re destroying our planet; it’s whether we even need a planet now that we have the Internet. And before we can live inside the Internet, we must first decide which alternative energy source should we talk about using while destroying the planet. Solar? Wind? Magic?

If you’re like me, and you’ve had it with the claptrap “science facts”, then I think you’ll appreciate the following pros and cons based purely on unbiased and untested hunches.

SOLAR POWER

I’ve known about the sun for a very long time. And you have to remember; a sizeable chuck of solar energy comes directly from the sun. The largest manmade heat source in the galaxy not only produces shadows, it also happens to be the linchpin of today’s booming sunscreen lotion enterprise

Pros:

• Solar powered oil riggers.
• Handheld solar Tiki torches!
• Nude sunbathing.
• More solar panels = less yard maintenance.

Cons:

• Solar panels can look really, really, tacky.
• Things could go haywire.
• Melted cakes.
• Sun is over 650 miles from Earth!
• Stupid idea.
• Does it work?

WIND POWER

I used to love kites. Still do, more than ever. More than anything. The vibrant colors. The trouble of getting them to fly. The potential of hitting someone square in the dick after you let out a fair warning well in advance. Wind shoots all over the place, zany, completely unpredictable, and despite how annoying it is, I can’t imagine a mini sailboat race without it. I think most people understand that wind turbines aren’t some sort of weird Trojan horse maneuver by aliens, but rather a sincere gift before they wipe us out.

Pros:

• Invisibility.
• Spryness.
• Leaves get blown out of yard.
• Reward windy places for putting up with wind.
• Free, if aliens continue to provide.
• Wind turbines act as propellers that carry Earth away to nearby planet with endless oil supply.

Cons:

• Leaves blow straight into yard from neighbors yard!!!
• Could topple over oilrigs.
• Tumbleweed outbreak.
• Tornado worshipers.
• Crop dusting accidents.
• Calm afternoons.

MAGIC POWER

What do David Copperfield, Harry Potter and Ervin Johnson have in common? How could I possibly know that without magic powers? Reliable as it is sexy, this renewable energy source has singlehandedly powered Disneyland, Vegas and the North Pole for centuries. Not to mention the remote control.

Pros:

• No hard costs up front.
• Clowns get due credit.
• Revitalize wand business.
• Slight of hand.
• No cleanup.

Cons:

• No one likes a show off.
• Unfair advantage for Orlando Magic.

I don’t need to remind you, any good debate is full of twists and turns and bribes. It’s what brings about honest conversation and huge arguments that seemingly never end. So check your pants because I’m about to show you a power known to lower your electric bill by over 40%.

SUPER POWER

We’ve all wanted one since we wore our first cape. And since our capes have evolved over the years, we’ve practically earned it. If magic power is a V-8 Cobra Mustang, then super power is a self-flying locomotive that shoots off smaller self-replicating locomotives just because it can.

Pros:

• Movie deals.
• Upbeat attitude.
• Fit body without putting in the work.
• Protect planet from environmentalists.
• See through brick walls and silk blouses.
• Impress people from High School.

Cons:

• None that I know of.
• May not be as renewable as we all think.
• Fake friends.

So now that you have all the facts, you don’t have to do anything if you don’t want. That’s my plan. But I do challenge all of us to take some responsibility and decide for ourselves what power we want to claim superior in our Twitter feeds. Figure out which renewable energy you’re going to talk like an expert about around the water cooler. And for god sakes, make up your mind on which clean fuel you’ll vigorously shame others for not using.

Winner: Oil

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Luke Roloff is currently one of the people in LA. Also, he has written things on the Internet before. For money, he helps make advertisements so that you know what to buy. Pray for Luke.