“Our New Rewards Plan,” by David Galef

Aug 17th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

CaffeCuisine Announces Its New Loyalty Program,* starting April 2016, and Here’s How It Works!

* Many restrictions apply.

+ Free drinks and food (see owners manual for schedules and rates)
+ Promotional offers: free e-mails delivered to your Inbox—daily!
+ New app: The Caffeinator gauges how much coffee you need at any time of day, based on galvanic skin response

Here’s How It Sort of Works

“More Stars, More Things to Love!” ©.To earn rewards, you need stars. To earn stars, you need to purchase stuff from us. Could be a grande Madagascar vanilla fenugreek latte with 2% soy milk, could be a pound of our Barista Reserve Tasmanian Kaffeberry—or a molded plastic thingamajig that holds coffee while you drink it.

+ Pay with our proprietary CaffeCuisine/Teatotal/LaGourmande card or mobile app (free download!)
+ Buy more coffee-esque products at our stores
+ Purchase even more coffee tie-­in goods at our Online Emporia

Here’s How It Sorts of Works—Second Try

Receive two stars for every single purchase, provided that your purchase* totals more half a star under the old system, in which case the difference is restored through our Coffee Recirculation algorithm, in which one old star equals .762 new star, except when the first of the month falls on a Tuesday.

* Point-of-purchase Mini-Choco-Bites ® do not count toward anything.

Three Levels of Increasingly Difficult to Navigate Compensation Menus

Entry Level
* Ask for coffee, get coffee!
* That’s It! ® You’re now with us for life.
* On your birthday, we’ll send you some form of confirmation that you’re now a year older.

Chartreuse Level
* Buy More Coffee! ® You’ll need over five beverages in five weeks, with at least two that involve a lot of foamed milk and syrups.
* You’re already with us for life, so maybe we’ll just comp you some iTunes based on your coffee choices.
* On your birthday, we’ll send you an iTunes Coffee Birthday Song download.

Platinum Level
* Mo’ coffee, mo’ coffee, mo’ coffee! ® You’ve justified our trust in you by consuming at least a dozen drinks in at least six different time zones.
* As a lifer, you’re entitled to skip the line for our Rewards Restroom ®.
* On your birthday, we promise not to make jokes about how old you’re getting.

Check out our New Dashboard, including:

+Coffee Terroir, with over a dozen postcards to makes you feel like you’re drinking something exotic
+Coffee Blog, where customers can post ripostes while sipping our brew
+Coffee Amuse (pronounced in the French way), featuring remaindered iTunes and apps

Visit Our HAQ (Hard to Answer Questions) for further dissimulation. Popular queries include:

+Why didn’t I receive what I drank so much coffee for?
+Why do I bother with a Rewards card when everything’s on my phone?
+How did I get locked out of my account again?
+Why would I want a free refill after drinking 20 oz. of dark roast?
+Is it true that you’re coming out with a size above venti called trenti?


Defenestration-David GalefDavid Galef is a shameless eclectic who publishes far too much for his own good. His latest book, Brevity: A Flash Fiction Handbook,  is forthcoming from Columbia University Press in fall 2016. His day job is professor of English and creative writing program director at Montclair State University. Check out his humor columns on Inside Higher Ed.

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