“How to Have a Very Shitty Day in 18 Steps,” by Teresa Gonzales

Jan 13th, 2016 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

1. You wake up at 6:23 a.m. to the sound of the dog barking at the back door. You go outside to the living room and find your son playing his XBox One, claiming he “doesn’t speak dog” and has no idea what she wants.

2. You head to the bathroom and don’t see the steaming pile of dog shit sitting on the kitchen floor as you nearly pull a groin. Your new slippers are now ruined as you consider the dog really did have to go out.

3. You pour a bowl of cereal and find an empty container of milk sitting in the refrigerator and your father-in-law eating a mixing-bowl sized helping of Fruity Pebbles.

4. You take a shower and as you are about to rinse your hair, you lose water pressure. You wrap on a towel and your husband says that a city maintenance guy came by, said they are working on the pipes and the water will be off 2 to 3 hours. Fuck.

5. You clock in 1 minute late to work and know it will be a tardy. At your first break you realize you forgot your lunch. It was leftovers of the Chicken Marsala you made yesterday, and come to the grim conclusion that someone will surely eat it before you get home tonight.

6. You have one of your employees tell you that your arch nemesis from payroll is getting the staff manager promotion over you… again.

7. Your manager consoles you by saying you are are “just too valuable in your current position” and that you are having a corporate audit on Monday and it damn well better be perfect. All in the same sentence.

8. You finish the day like a zombie and realize even if your Chicken Marsala were here, you would just throw it away in some odd, meaningless gesture of protest.

9. You drive home and Happy by Pharrell comes on the radio. You have an emotional outburst and hurt your hand punching the controller to turn it off, while simultaneously cracking the volume button. Fuck again.

10. You tell your husband about your shitty day. He listens and is wonderfully supportive. He suggests you get drunk, you suspect in hopes that you will pass out and stop your bitching.

11. You go to the refrigerator but your stomach is in so much of a knot that you can’t even eat the chicken Marsala (which incidentally is still there as a cruel taunt.)

12. You lay down in your bed, while your husband gives you some space and have an anxiety / crying attack. You then realize you have to go pee really bad but don’t want everyone to see you in your despicable state.

13. You think about your boss’s bullshit speech about how you are just too valuable, and decide you are going to tell him off tomorrow. But deep down you know you actually aren’t because you just don’t have a big enough pair. You also muse that you are a disappointment to your mother- just for good measure.

14. Before you get out of bed, you check your Facebook and hope someone has had a worse day than you. No one has had a worse day than you.

15. When you do get out of bed your 5 year old son asks if you are O.K. and not to cry.

16. You cry because he told you not to cry and decide you are done being too valuable to the company and feeling sorry for yourself.

17. Feeling better now, you decide to drink the 6 pack of Stella Artois in the fridge and proceed to pass out as originally planned.

18. You get up at 2 a.m. with a hangover and eat your chicken Marsala. You feel a little guilty for assuming someone ate it today, but dismiss the thought. Someone would have if it wasn’t pushed to the back.
Defenestration-Teresa GonzalesTeresa Gonzales is a business specialist and is an child development expert with a second job in the field of interrelation and domestics engineering.

That’s the snooty way of saying she’s a working mom in retail with a husband and 3 boys. In her spare time while she’s not engineering and kicking ass, she loves music, writing and everything outdoors but bears. And clowns… she’s afraid of those outdoor clowns.

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