“Exciting New Menu Items at Our Chain Roadside Diner,” by Frank Allbritten

Jun 24th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

Frisky Business
Assume the position! We pat you down right when you walk in the restaurant to make sure you aren’t carrying any weapons. As you well know, danger is everywhere.

The Debilitator
A chicken sandwich with beef for buns and ham for chicken.

Hash Blacks
These potatoes are charred to near-nothingness, just how you like it apparently.

Macaroni and Cheese and Gravy
The always lovely pas de deux of mac & cheese gets gravy-fied into a sloppy ménage à trois of taste-bud bliss!

Denial is the First Stage of Grief
Dessert? Yes, please! Several varieties of cheese are melted on top of a Snickers bar while our artisan chefs pelt it with graham cracker crumbles, day-old cake batter and loganberries. If you can resist this delicacy, we’d recommend you never set foot in one of our establishments ever again.

Nine Pounds of Grits
This is exactly what it sounds like. We’ll even provide a scale if you want hard evidence pertaining to the weight of the grits!

Hard-boiled Poached Scrambled Eggs Over Easy Benedict Omelette
We do everything to eggs that’s physically possible before serving them to you with a side of Roasted Toast®.

Hot Buttered Yam Poppers
Recently invented by an off-duty policeman in a leaky basement, these fried treats finally deliver the yams you’ve been yearning for.

I Dream of Weenies
We take our world-famous bite-sized hot dogettes and coat them in a brown sugar glaze that exudes a scent reminiscent of a warm spring day. You’ll wake up screaming in the middle of the night for these weenies!

700 Degrees of Kevin Bacon
We guarantee this will be the hottest, sizzlingest bacon you’ve ever had the pleasure of attempting to consume.

A Raisin in the Sun
This sun-dried raisin is a great snack for when you’re on the go. All of our raisins are exposed to a minimum of 16 hours of pure Kentucky sunlight and immediately shipped to our restaurants for maximum freshitude. Comes with a small side of ranch dipping material.

Mark Wallburger
Our lawyers tell us we’re required to inform you this burger is not in any way endorsed by the actor Mark Wahlberg. Quite simply, this burger is so delicious that you’re liable to punch the “wall” with sheer flavor-based joy and leave a “mark.” Our lawyers also inform us that if this occurs, you will be charged for any damage done to the wall, and we’d recommend you never set foot in one of our establishments ever again.

Pancake’s Labyrinth
We blindfold you and place you in the center of a corn maze with only the smell of freshly baked pancakes and Impostyrup® to guide you. If you make it out alive, breakfast’s on us!

Double Punchburger
This burger will stun your tongue and sock you in the face with a fierce flavor you’re sure to savor.

An explosion in the shape of a sandwich. We stack bacon, lettuce, tomatoes, nachos, and tomatoes again between 2 pieces of mouthwatering bread. A Southwestern twist on what is truly ‘the working man’s sandwich.’

Fish and Lips
An American twist (yet another twist!) on a British classic, we crisp some cod in our beer-battered breading and serve it up with a steaming side of frog’s lips. Did the frogs need their lips? Hopefully not!

Bangers and MASH (1970)
Another American twist (a third twist!!) on an English favorite, we present you with a miniature handcrafted house made out of meat (a sausage cottage) while treating you to a screening of Robert Altman’s military-skewering masterpiece. This mix of pub grub and a groovy movie will humble your stomach grumbles and pacify the most cynical satirist.

Salad Safari
Our latest stab at the salad genre is a bowl of Iceberg lettuce cradling a healthy helping of imitation tiger meat. Ask our servers for dressing, but please do so politely. A lot of them have been having a rough time recently.

Feel Like Makin’ Grub
A brand new build-it-yourself option: mix and match 3 items on the menu and we let you cook it all yourself. Please do your best to not get any hair in other patrons’ meals.

Meat Lover’s Nightmare
For the vegetarian in your life, this dish consists of a hollowed out cucumber filled with cranberries and hummus.

Shrimp Slap
We assault you with a wheelbarrow of shrimp when you least expect it. Please inform your server of a ‘safe word’ so we know when to stop if the shrimp is bruising you too vigorously.

A Farewell to Carbs
A new (Heming)way to stay healthy, this low-fat casserole of mixed carrots and ham will blow the brains right out of your skull!

Utopian Your Pants
We transport you to a seaside resort where all is well and dreams come true. Towels are provided.

I Would’ve Gotten Away With It If It Weren’t for Those Meddling Ribs
These braised pork ribs will undoubtedly distract you from any evil-doing you had in mind for this afternoon. If the meat isn’t falling off the bone, we’ll consider giving you a minor portion of your money back.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sheep
Wham, bam, thank you, lamb! You’ll be counting a myriad of oral conundrums as you grapple with the deliciousness of this dish. A scintillating mint sauce makes this mutton essential munchin’.

Pusillanimous Waffles
These waffles may seem shy at first, but bathe them in a heavy shower of our Impostyrup® and they become the life of the party! We promise that although these waffles have a tough time breaking out of their shell, they really are worth getting to know. Seriously.

Crunchy Surprise
We’re not even sure what’s in this one, but we can assure you of one thing: it’s crunchy.

9 Out of 10 Doctors
This new dish’s name comes from the fact that most people in the medical profession claim that this entrée is more detrimental to your health than death. If that doesn’t pique your interest, we’d recommend you never set foot in one of our establishments ever again.

Defenestration-Generic Male 02Frank Allbritten is glad to be here and hopes you are too.

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