“Sex With My Girlfriend Is Even Hotter When I’m Not There,” by Juliana Gray

Apr 29th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

I know what you’re thinking: hey, Stephen, you’ve been with your girlfriend for about seven months now, and even though you talk about her all the time, I bet the sex is starting to cool off. Sure, I’ve heard that old cliché about relationships—the beginning is steamy and adventurous, then settles into routine. So I can imagine why you’d think that about me and Kristi.

But you’d be wrong, friendo. The sex just couldn’t be hotter. We do it all kinds of ways, in all kinds of places. And have you heard of remoting? Oh yeah. We’re into it.

I’ll admit, life in a frat house at MIT didn’t exactly prepare me for an adventurous sex life. But the app my roommate and I designed—you know, Drynk? The one that lets you text the bartender and tell her what you want and how much you’re willing to tip? It was doing pretty well—really well, actually—so I was feeling confident enough to put myself out there online. When Kristi responded to my ad, I couldn’t believe my luck. A girl with a body like that, interested in a tech nerd like me? But we hit it off, and we’ve been going at it like monkeys ever since.

You know, bonobos. The ones that fuck all the time.

At first, I was intimidated by her experience. But Kristi took me by the hand– or rather, by some other body part, if you know what I mean, ha ha– and she opened my eyes to a world of erotic pleasure. And now? Well, I don’t like to kiss and tell, but we’ve done some pretty weird stuff.

Like, she really pushes the envelope. Sex only in the bedroom? Please. That’s too vanilla for my girl. We’ve done it on the couch, in the guest room, and almost once in the car. That’s the kind of lady I have—the kind who knows how to keep it interesting.

Which brings me back to remoting. I’m surprised you haven’t heard of it; Kristi says it’s the new big thing. It’s very complex and philosophical, but I’ll simplify it for you. The basic idea is that the close proximity of sex—like, physically touching—actually gets in the way of a really profound sensual experience. When the lovers are in separate rooms, the sex is deeper—more emotional, even spiritual. The greater the distance, the more mind-blowing the experience.

Like right now, for example: Kristi’s in Cancun, preparing herself for the remoting session we have planned for tonight. She’ll spend the day cleansing her body, detoxifying, meditating—all to heighten the erotic communion we’ll share at around a quarter til eight, before her dinner reservation.

No, it’s not phone sex! That’s disgusting. And I’m not allowed to call her when she’s cleansing.

What Kristi and I have is a much deeper connection. She and I don’t have to talk; we attune our bodies and our senses, and we know. We can envision each other’s souls in a way you just can’t when you’re actually together, kissing and caressing and all that minor league stuff.

Remoting opens you up so much, it can leave you really vulnerable. That’s why I’m glad Kristi has her guru, Chad, to look out for her. Don’t worry, he’s gay—not that you’re the first person to think otherwise! Ha ha, but no, he and Kristi are just good friends. I’m more than happy to pay for his first-class ticket and per diem, if that’s what it takes to keep her safe.

If you’d asked me at graduation where I would imagine myself in ten years, I would have said I’d probably be working as a software engineer in some tech startup, going home each night to a sweet apartment to play the latest video game. Now, not only has that dream come true, but I also have a girlfriend who’s willing to travel to luxury resorts in exotic locations, just to please her man. You have to admit, amigo, I really won the jackpot.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go jerk off in the men’s room.

Defenestration-Generic Female 01Juliana Gray is primarily a poet, but does not wear all black, nor a beret. Her most recent poetry collection is Anne Boleyn’s Sleeve, which won the 2013 Winged City Chapbook Press poetry chapbook contest. Her humor writing has previously appeared McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, The Toast, and The Big Jewel. An Alabama native, she lives in western New York and is an associate professor of English at Alfred University.

Tags: , ,

Comments are closed.