“Something Not Sentimental,” by Daniel Clausen

Mar 25th, 2015 | By | Category: Fake Nonfiction, Prose

I wanted to put something on paper that I would not regret throwing out later. I wanted it to be the most regrettable thing in the world—a literal literary crime to write. And when I was done, I would wash my hands of it.

But it’s never that easy.

My agent shows up at eleven p.m. with a wine bottle and two glasses and says we’re celebrating. I’m four glasses in when I realize several things: one, that I’m the only one drinking; two, that I don’t have an agent; and three, that I have not accomplished anything in my life remotely worth celebrating.

This doesn’t stop him from offering another toast. I have one to seven reasons not to toast and down my fifth glass of wine—however, I also have a full glass of wine. The decision could go either way.

I wake up the next morning with a ball gag in my mouth naked. At least I’m still in my apartment. And I’m not tied up. It’s also a Saturday, so I realize that there may be cartoons on. What am I talking about? This is the 21st century. There are always cartoons on! Thank you, Cartoon Network.

The story I wrote though is gone. My would-be agent has written me a note: “Finally, sukka!!! We’ve got a hit … Cha-ching” The three exclamation marks seem gratuitous. The “cha-ching,” however, is a nice touch.

Something not sentimental, I think. Something to wash my hands of. What will this festering turd of a story turn into?

It’s an important question. Something to leave for the sequel.
Defenestration-Generic Male 02Daniel Clausen eats his greens and stays in school. That’s why he write so good. His work has been published in Slipstream Magazine, Leading Edge Science Fiction, and Black Petals. He pity the fool who don’t like his writing. He also has a free short story collection entitled “Reejecttion” that anyone can check out right here.

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