IF   ( stomach = empty )
THEN ( run action: cry )

IF   ( stomach = full )
THEN ( run action: poop )

IF   ( diaper = poopy )
THEN ( run action: cry )

IF   ( fatigue level = tired; OR
       body temperature = chilly; OR
       time of day < 5:00am; OR
       time of day > 11:00pm; OR
       onesie = the pink one; OR
       onesie = the Elmo one; OR
       onesie = anything but the bunny one, really )
THEN ( run action: cry )

IF   ( response to crying = daddy soothes )
THEN ( run action: cry more )

IF   ( response to crying = mommy soothes )
THEN ( run action: stop crying; AND
       run action: smile & giggle & laugh & coo; AND
       run action: watch daddy's heart break just a little )

IF   ( toy cost > $5 )
THEN ( run action: ignore )

IF   ( toy = tissue paper; OR
     ( toy = bubble wrap; OR
     ( toy = any other dirt-cheap choking hazard ) 
THEN ( run action: excitedly play with; AND
       run action: eat )

IF   ( location = play date; AND
       another baby = crawling; AND
       daddy = competitive )
THEN ( run action: appear immobile & lethargic & 
       behind the developmental curve & “slow” )

IF   ( daddy = chatting with the cute co-ed neighbor )
THEN ( run action: vomit on self & daddy & cute co-ed )

IF   ( time = after an exhausting day; AND
       daddy = blissfully relaxing with a beer; AND
       baseball game = Extra Innings, Game 7 ) 
THEN ( run action: cry; AND
       run action: scream; AND
       run action: diarrhea explosively )

IF   ( daddy = making love to mommy for the first time in
       ages )
THEN ( run action: remain quiet; AND
       run action: await reinforcements )

————

Scott Eckert is a comedian, writer, and actor in New York. He has a website, two cats, and (as of recently) a baby.