“A Sign of God,” by Matt Kolbet

Dec 28th, 2011 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

The Westboro Baptist Church has gained a certain degree of notoriety for protesting both military and celebrity funerals.  Their attempts at linking all deaths to God’s condemnation of America’s laxity towards sin have, unfortunately, become hackneyed.  Their most typical signs read: God Hates Fags or Thank God for Dead Soldiers.  What’s most shameful about these placards is not so much the vitriol of the sentiments, but rather the missed opportunity.

I mean, it involves God, and I’m hard pressed to think of a bigger endorsement than The Almighty.

What their signs should read is: Thank God for Head and Shoulders.  Or, God Hates Progressives, but not Progressive Insurance.

While it may be questionable what God’s relationship to a gecko is (the same doubt that surrounds his relationship with any of His creations) and therefore it’s unreasonable to suggest God sign off with Geico, clearly God enjoys saving money.  Who doesn’t?  Call or click for a quote today.

This co-opting of the supernatural for advertising is, ironically, entirely natural.  The devil and Red Hots.  Our Lord and Angel Soft toilet paper.  Every time you wipe your rear end, you’ll be reminded that cleanliness is next to Godliness, though He relegates some janitorial work for the body to his seraphim and cherubim.

The advantage of this campaign is that, for the future, there appears to be no shortage of dead soldiers.  While dead celebrities are something else—why, exactly, is Kim Kardashian famous?—we have plenty of global turmoil available to keep the bodies piling up.

Perhaps our biggest concern ought to be what will happen when those small numbers behind Westboro’s attacks pass on.  Who will protest their funerals?  What will the signs say?

Here’s one idea: Now you know what God hates.


Matt Kolbet has published variously on the Internets, including here at Defenestration and Clockwise Cat.  He enjoys satire, but secretly wishes it weren’t so necessary.


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