“Your Rhetorical Questions Answered,” by Matt Kolbet

Sep 14th, 2011 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

Do bears shit in the woods?

Sometimes.  Scientists have searched for many years for an ursine latrine but have found it as elusive as an elephant’s graveyard.  Their best guess—based on the idea that living things ingest food as well as expel waste, and old episodes of Gentle Ben—is that bears have a highly developed bladder that permits them, like Wal-Mart employees, to wait extremely long periods before going to the bathroom.  When they do go, it may be among the trees, but very few people are checking anymore

Is the Pope Catholic?

The current one, certainly.  In fact, Popes have been Catholic for many years.  More recently the public has begun to make demands to see certificates of Confirmation, and historians suggest that even before this call for transparency most Popes have been Catholic.  Still, other records show that previous heads of the Church have embraced a more Protestant theology, and one Wikipedia entry says that Pope Felix II may have dabbled in Wicca, which initially hurt his chance of being elected until he convinced people through a series of etchings and manuscripts that he was just like them.  There is limited information available about Popes from before the Common Era, though one suspects they sought the position primarily as a means of breaking into the always competitive fashion world.

Why me?

I think you know the answer to that.  But if you really want to know, look at your voting record.  Also, see the answer under “Are you crazy?” and “Am I talking to walls?”

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

The same way you solve a Rubix’s Cube.

Are we there yet?



Matt Kolbet writes and teaches near Portland, Oregon.  His satire has appeared in Defenestration a few times before, as well as in Clockwise Cat and Short, Fast & Deadly.  His non-satirical work can be found in Gutter Eloquence and The Rufous City Review.

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