“Excerpts from the 2009 Mid-Year Meeting of the National Association of Directors Who Ruin Childhood Memories,” by John Frank Weaver

Oct 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Prose

George Lucas: Attention everyone. My name is George Lucas, and as president of the National Association of Directors Who Ruin Childhood Memories, I would like to welcome you to our 2009 Mid-Year meeting. As you know, our mission is to identify beloved childhood memories, distort them, and then force an unsuspecting public to watch them. Of course, we do this while reaping an insane financial windfall.

Lucas: We have had great success in recent years, and the last 12 months have been one of our busiest and most productive. To discuss this period of growth, I’d like to welcome our treasurer to the stage: Steven Spielberg.


Steven Spielberg: Thank you, George. I can’t believe that it was only a year ago that I stood here presenting you with a lifetime achievement award for the Star Wars prequels. How about another round of applause for our president, he works so hard for us!

[Ravenous applause]

Spielberg: Well, this has certainly been an amazing year for our organization. Last year saw the worldwide craze over Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. George and I were never prouder than when fans everywhere started crying “They should have just left Indy alone!” And don’t worry about the South Park guys. Our operatives in Colorado will be taking care of them soon.

[Whooping applause]

Spielberg: The first half of 2009 has given us another milestone in our movement: Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

[Enthusiastic applause]

Spielberg: Michael Bay had us concerned in 2007. He had the opportunity to take one of the most beloved children’s toys of the 1980s and warp it into something that would completely decimate 75% of all males, ages 21-35. Yet inexplicably the director behind Armageddon and Pearl Harbor couldn’t make that movie a disaster. We all thought, “Oh no, is Michael losing his touch?”

[Knowing laughter]

Spielberg: But in 2009, he taught us that the rules of ruining childhood memories have changed and we need to change as well! Our efforts over the last decade have hardened audiences. They now expect us, our updated films, and our digitally re-mastered re-releases to ruin their childhoods. Michael showed us a new path: Make a decent movie, and then sucker punch them with the sequel.

[Explosive applause]

Lucas:  Thank you, Steven. I know I speak for everyone here when I say I can’t wait to see how you ruin Jurassic Park in another 10 years. I’m hoping that you decide to make the velociraptors talk with a cute accent. It worked for me! But now, I’d like to introduce our newest member. We have all been thrilled by this man’s current project, which premiered this summer. He had the guts to take on a project that we’ve talked about since the formation of our organization, a beloved all-American toy for the last 50 years. Ladies and gentlemen, a big round of applause for Stephen Sommers, the director of GI JOE: Rise of Cobra!!

[Standing ovation]

Stephen Sommers: Thank you, George. Thank you, everyone! I’ll keep my remarks brief. I stand tonight with legends of crushed childhoods, and I know it takes more than one deeply flawed movie to earn my place in this pantheon.


Sommers: This organization is why I entered filmmaking. You take the manna of children’s imaginations and make it corporeal. You entice to theaters kids of all ages, from the young to the young at heart. And then, just when they’ve lit up their souls with the possibility of wonder, you snuff out that flame like a wet burlap sack over a scented candle! That’s why I’m here! That’s why I made the movie! I hope it does honor to our cause! Thank you!

[Rapturous applause, cat calls, whistles]

Lucas:  Thank you, Stephen! That concludes our introductory remarks. Please stay for the morning session: David Lynch is here to discuss his remake of Rainbow Brite. I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait!


John Frank Weaver received $1.25 million from the stimulus package to write for Defenestration. In return for receiving those funds he agreed to forgo his annual bonus, which was going to be a puppy.

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