“SNAFU,” by Matt Kolbet

Sep 20th, 2009 | By | Category: Prose

Announcing the formation of the Society for the Naming of All Future Un-named (SNAFU).

Even though psychologists recognize the importance of a name on self-esteem and social expectations, the last several decades have seen more and more children named with apparent indifference to the world’s perceptions and the potential psychological damage to the bearer of said name. From Moon Unit Zappa to that dangerous tongue-twister Shilo Pitt to the children of Sarah Palin, the trend of creating a distinct social identity through nomenclature that borders on ludicrous has moved from rock stars-not to mention the appellations of self-aggrandizement by rappers-to more mainstream celebrities and the public at large. It will not be long before children’s names arrive as easily as reading the ingredients on a shampoo bottle (i.e. Lauryl Sulfate) or the fruit you eat with lunch.

To staunch this tendency to brand children Brand, the committee will focus on bringing back a moral solidity to names. Some of the work will include re-introducing names that embody dependability, like Adolf, but fell inexplicably out of favor in the 1940s. Other names on which the committee will likely focus include Judas and Slobodan. Nor will their efforts be culturally limited.  Future generations can look forward to children called Saloth, Saddam, or Idi. The committee’s aim is not to be limiting.  Parents can still be creative and use Manson for a first name.

With SNAFU’s efforts, the next time someone says “It’s Sunday,” you won’t have to pick up the phone and put on an Australian accent, but merely turn over and sleep in.


Matt Kolbet excels at writing and teaching. And being a father (so he’s good at making babies). His works have appeared in The American Drivel Review, Sideshow Mirrors, One Real Story, and here.

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