“Wake up, Sheep—Paul Giamatti Is Not Dead!” by Daniel Galef

Jun 14th, 2017 | By | Category: Nonfiction, Prose

I know I’m going to catch a lot of flak for this, but I don’t care, because PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH, and I’m not going to CENSOR MYSELF just because there are some things that THEY don’t want us thinking!

Paul Giamatti IS NOT DEAD! Please, before you click away, hear me out! Let’s have a look at the evidence: You WILL NOT be disappointed. If you are one of the SHEEPLE that still actually believe Paul Giamatti is dead, then you are playing right into THEIR HANDS. The proof is all around us!

First, Paul Giamatti’s Wikipedia article lists his birth down to the hour, but suspiciously OMITS the finer details of his death, such as where it happened, when it happened, and if it happened. WHY IS THIS? Because Wikipedia unlike media like TV shows, news programs, CNN, and the internet, belongs to THE PEOPLE. They may not be able to tell us the truth, but the can’t keep OBVIOUS LIES on the site for long. I am a devoted editor as well.

Second, his so-called gravestone features a number of minor errors indicating it is a MOCK-UP JOB, incorrectly listing his birthdate as June 9th instead of June 6th, and even getting the year wrong, 1921 instead of 1967. It also incorrectly spells his name as “Matilda Bayers.” WHY IS NOBODY TALKING ABOUT THIS?

And finally, the most DAMNING evidence of all. I hear you ask, BUT HOW could he still be alive? Who could carry on such an elaborate masquerade like that??? I’M GLAD YOU ASKED!

According to Paul Giamatti’s IMBD page, he is a PROFESSIONAL ACTOR. Didn’t guess that, huh? It would be CHILD’S PLAY for him to ‘FAKE’ his own ‘DEATH’ for whatever nefarious reasons THEY put in his head! This is a FACT.

If you are still not convinced, this recent article accidentally printed ‘is’ instead of ‘was’ when discussing Giamatti’s future career plans. OOPS! Looks like someone forgot to clue in this writer to the CONSPIRACY! Either that, or there’s a SECOND Paul Giamatti running around out there who JUST HAPPENS to have the EXACT SAME NAME (and I’ve already comprehensively listed the extant Hollywood clones in my last dispatch). COINCIDENCE? I THINK NOT!

If you still do not believe me, it is because THEY HAVE BRAINWASHED YOU and there is nothing I can do to save you! TEAR THE SCALES FROM YOUR EYES (and if you have scales on your eyes, then you are a secret lizard person and one of THEM)!! For those of you who are still FREETHINKING INDIVIDUALS, I hope this IN-DEPTH EXPOSE has shown you once and for all the SECRET TRUTH!!!



Daniel Galef has written light verse, heavy verse, sketch comedy, prose fiction, comic strips, death threats, one short-lived scientific advice column, and just about everything else for a hundred different venues in a half-dozen countries. His next musical play, “The Original,” premiered at the Montreal Players’ Theatre in March 2017.

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