“Go Away!” – Harper Lee to a journalist inquiring about her new novel.

Journalist #1: I’m here at the royal wedding of King Henry XIII and Catherine of Parr. Your highness, it’s an honor to talk to you at this beautiful affair.

King Henry: Thank you, I’m glad you could make it. Did you have some questions for your publication?

Journalist #1: I indeed did, I’ll rattle through them real quick.

King Henry: Sounds good.

Journalist #1: So this is your sixth wedding, correct?

King Henry: Yes, this time I’ve found love for real.

Journalist #1: Do you really believe that?

King Henry: What? Of course I do.

Journalist #1: So you would classify yourself as a serial monogamist, yes?

King Henry: Excuse me? What publication are you with?

Journalist #1: With most of your wives, you marry right away, never any time to get to know them. Would you say this is ultimately why your wives end up “disappearing?”

King Henry: I don’t think I like your tone, and frankly, I–

Journalist #1: Isn’t this your third wife with the name Catherine?

King Henry: I suppose so…I don’t see what that has to do with–

Journalist #1: Would consider yourself still pining over your first love of Catherine of Aragon, whom you never quite got over?

King Henry: That isn’t at all what happened, if you’d just listen to me–

Journalist #1: Ooh, could I get you to admit that all of your wives have just been stand-ins for your mother, who died when you were young? I can see the headline now: “King Henry XIII: I’m So Sorry!”

King Henry: Piss off.

***

Journalist #2: Mr. Shakespeare! Mr. Shakespeare! Do you have a minute for the press?

Shakespeare: Why certainly.

Journalist #2: Your premiere of The Taming of the Shrew went really well! Most people enjoyed it quite a bit.

Shakespeare: Most people? What do you mean by that?

Journalist #2: Well, there are some obvious flaws with it.

Shakespeare: What? Did you even watch the play?

Journalist #2: The treatment of your female lead, Katherine. At the end, she’s completely different. It’s like she’s a separate character.

Shakespeare: Well, she does change. That’s kind of the point of the play. She changes for the better.

Journalist #2: For the better? She’s just more submissive to her husband. Is that your perception of the perfect woman?

Shakespeare: I write what I see in this world, it’s not like I–

Journalist #2: And furthermore, you don’t even have the decency to let women play women in your plays, you just have prepubescent boys, it’s just an overrated sausage fest. What do you have to say about that?

Shakespeare: No one else in this business is using women. It would be putting me at a huge disadvantage. I have to put food on the table.

Journalist #2: So you don’t care about the craft, you just care about the money, and you’ll hurt anyone in your way to get as much as you can.

Shakespeare: That’s not what I said; you’re twisting my words–

Journalist #2: Uh-huh. Mr. Shakespeare, do you consider yourself a sexist?

Shakespeare: What? No, of course not–

Journalist #2: Really? Didn’t you write the unnecessary sexual innuendo of the “tongue in tail” into your work?

Shakespeare: Unnecessary? Actually, I found it to be–

Journalist #2: Does your sexism affect your social life at all?

Shakespeare: I’m not sexist. It’s just–

Journalist #2: When was the last time you had your tongue in someone’s tail?

Shakespeare: Whatever.

***

Journalist #3: It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Einstein, thank you for agreeing to do this interview. I’ll only be a minute.

Einstein: Take all the time you need.

Journalist #3: Fantastic. So this Theory of Relativity, how did you come up with it?

Einstein: Well, it all started with–

Journalist #3: Wonderful, wonderful. Didn’t you flunk math back in grade school?

Einstein: Wait, I didn’t finish my–

Journalist #3: Answer the question, please.

Einstein: No, I didn’t. That’s just a nasty rumor.

Journalist #3: Speaking of nasty rumors, you had romantic relations with your cousin, didn’t you?

Einstein: Where are you getting this information?

Journalist #3: Oh everybody knows. Just like everybody knows about your illegitimate daughter.

Einstein: I’m sorry. I think you’re mistaking me for someone else.

Journalist #3: All right, let’s change the subject.

Einstein: Thank you.

Journalist #3: You’re a horrible husband, aren’t you?

Einstein: What is your problem?

Journalist #3: Just admit it. Your wife cooks and cleans by your demand all day long and you never give her anything in return.

Einstein: My marriage is none of your concern.

Journalist #3: Maybe if you didn’t cheat on her so much while you’re on the road then you’d have some energy left over for her.

Einstein: You have issues.

Journalist #3: Clearly I’m not the only one.

Einstein: Don’t talk to me again.

————
Aidan Kingsford is a high school student and journalist in California. He has been advised by his lawyer to not release any further information.